Detachment Parenting

You can read my latest column at Inside Catholic: Detachment Parenting: Learning to Let Go.

Comments are open over there and as always, I love hearing your thoughts. (Even though I have my older brother's blessing to write about his and our family's dark years, this wasn't an easy one to write.)

Searching for Rabbits

I wrote this column weeks ago, but it was a good reminder for me during a challenging week.

An excerpt: "I’m tempted to see my maternal missteps as global pronouncements of my failure to nurture my children right. But my children see no such thing. They forgive and they forget. Their mercy pours down on me like the spring rain that came later that same week we went looking for rabbits. I hate when my raw edges are exposed and I fall short of the mother I want to be, the mother I am called to be. But it’s my children who smooth out those edges by their very love for imperfect me and their knack at seeing things—good, hopeful things—that I don’t."

Please read the rest here.

 

8 Ways to Be a Fit Mom

I'm over at Faith & Family LIVE today sharing tips on how to be a fit mom. You'll have to forgive another mention of my long-distance running days. I didn't realize both running-related references would appear in the same week, but clearly I'm pining for those long runs and feel like I have to remind myself that I was pretty fit once upon a time. :-) But I'll settle for a living room dance party with my girls. Those get my heart rate up every time, and my oldest recently remarked as we were all busting a move, "This is my favorite time of day when we're all together!" Not even a long, solo run on the trails can't beat that kind of enthusiasm.

What about you? How do you squeeze in fitness to your daily routine? Mosey on over there and share your get-fit or stay-fit tips!

Have a safe and happy Fourth!

New Column

You can read my latest column at Inside Catholic: Mom the Missionary. Comments are open over there.

Have a good weekend, and happy Father's Day to all the dads out there. My husband and I have his end of the year party tomorrow night (date night - woo-hoo) and then on Sunday we'll be heading to check on our new money pit house. Have I mentioned we're in the process of renovating a house built in 1935? Fun (stressful) stuff! One of these days I'll share all the dirty, dusty details.

Oh, and forgive my typo in the title of my previous post (which is now fixed). One reason it's tough for moms to not make typos on their blogs: Chronic sleep deprivation.

Summer First Aid

I'm sharing summer first aid tips over at Faith & Family LIVE! today. Anyone have any harrowing creepy crawly tales? Do share over there!

UPDATE:  A reader left a helpful comment pointing out my oversight of not including any natural remedies for some of the summertime ailments I mentioned. Any suggestions for some natural alternatives to bug bites, etc. from moms out there?

As I mentioned in the comments section, I do have to admit that despite being a sort of "crunchy" mom I do use bug sprays with 10 percent DEET on my kids when we're outside in buggy places upon the recommendation of my doctor-husband. He grew up being a tasty meal for hungry bugs because his mom only used natural remedies and refused to use DEET. (We tease his wonderful mom for also feeding her kids only carob chips instead of chocolate because it’s now been shown that chocolate has more health benefits than the “natural” stuff. Love you, Nana!)

I’m all for natural solutions - providing they are actually more healthy and effective. Personally, we just haven’t found any effective, natural bug repellents and have decided based on the research that the risk of insect-transmitted diseases outweighs the negligible risk of DEET in low concentrations. My husband researched DEET thoroughly before making the decision to use bug spray on our kids, and our past neighbor’s wife contracted encephalitis from a mosquito that resulted in severe brain damage, so we’re perhaps a bit super vigilant about this sort of thing. All this said, if anyone has found a natural alternative to DEET that actually keeps the bugs away, please do share over at Faith & Family LIVE! Both my kids and me tend to really swell up from bug bites, so I'm always looking for ways to keep the critters away from us!

What Becomes of the Broken Hearted?

There was a boy who I thought was the “one.”  We met in college – not at some rowdy co-ed party - but at the Catholic Center on campus.

Maybe that was my first mistake. I’d so badly wanted to find the “perfect Catholic guy” that I was blinded by bliss and never saw “IT” coming. IT being the inevitable heartbreak, of course.

I honestly can’t remember how the courtship started. It’s kind of like a dream that starts out all happy and sepia-toned and then quickly takes a turn for the worse and ends up as a jagged jumble in my mind. I recall bits and pieces. He was a musician, and he wooed me with his guitar. That much I definitely remember.

And the end, I remember that, too.

For far too long, I held onto the pain. The hopelessness. The constant, dull aching in the pit of my stomach. The feeling of being physically sick. Anyone who has had a broken heart knows what I’m talking about.

 Read the rest here.

Get Those Creative Juices Flowing

I'm over at Faith & Family LIVE! sharing tips on how to get your kids' creative juices flowing with tried and true writing exercises.

I'd love to hear how you nurture your children's inner Hemingway. See you over there!

One Love, Two Faiths

My secret's out over at Faith & Family LIVE! today. :-)  Nearly everything about me is Catholic except for, well, my charming, wonderful husband whom I met long ago on the high school mock trial team and was later reunited with shortly after I graduated college.

This topic is near and dear to my heart yet very difficult for me to talk about for various reasons. For one, I make it my goal to always, always build up my marriage and my husband, and I don't want to come off as being negative about our marital union. Also, I frequently run in Catholic circles (and write for Catholic media!) where everyone else seems to have Catholic spouses. Sometimes it can be lonely; yet, I know I'm not the only one out there who finds herself (or himself) in what is known as a mixed marriage. My column, "One Love, Two Faiths," offers tips for spouses like me who believe in the graces of the Sacrament of Marriage - whether mixed or not - and never cease in praying for a unity of faith.

I have much to write about on this topic, but "One Love, Two Faiths" really focuses on practical tips for those who do not share a unity of faith with their spouse. I'd love to hear from others who are in a similar situation as well as your tips for handling the disparity of faith. Comments are open over there. Thanks for your support.

Beat the Baby Blues: When Postpartum Depression Hits Home

You can read my latest feature over at Faith & Family LIVE: Beat the Baby Blues. Comments are open over there.

I'll also be tackling the topic of postpartum depression on today's Faith & Family podcast. We'd love to hear from you if you've struggled with PPD or if something else is on your mind. You can call and send a message on the listener feedback line at 1-413- FAITH-55 (or 1-413-324-8455).

Some Further Thoughts on Feminism, Motherhood, and Having It All

I recently wrote a column for Inside Catholic that pointed a finger at certain schools of feminist thought for making women feel like less instead of more. The article sparked an interesting dialogue (some of the comments took issue with the column) and has prompted further thoughts from me.

One of the many challenges of being a writer who occasionally broaches controversial topics (other than the fact that I’m oh-so-vain and want everyone to like me and pump their fists as a sign of solidarity when they read my opinion pieces) is that you’re confined by a word count and there never seems to be a way to address all the points of your argument or to defend against potential naysayers. I can’t completely blame the word count though. At times, comments help to unveil my failings as a writer. Perhaps I could have done a better job at making my point. Perhaps I could have been more concise. In the case of this article, perhaps I could have explained what I meant when I threw the word “feminist” out there.

Thankfully, the interactive nature of the Internet affords writers the opportunity to clarify points, and that’s exactly what I attempted to do in the comments section. The article and subsequent discussion spurred these additional thoughts as well:

The purpose of my article was not to ignite another Mommy War.  I hate the Mommy Wars. It bothers me to no end that we’re so quick to criticize one another instead of lifting our fellow mothers up and encouraging them. While most women don’t reduce themselves to openly criticizing other mothers, I believe many of us would agree there is implicit tension between working and nonworking moms.

A man pointed out when he wrote after the original article, "With men a woman is much less likely to be judged negatively for making the choice of hearth over career." Sadly, I believe this is often the case. Men are frequently more supportive of at-home moms than women themselves.  It goes both ways, of course. Stay-at-home mothers may secretly label successful, working moms as being too absorbed by their careers to care about their children while working moms pity their nonworking counterparts who have nothing better to do than bake cookies and watch Blue’s Clues every day.

Why are women so quick to attack their own kind? Partly because, I think, we're trying to find validation for our own choices, and one way to do this (we assume) is to point out what we think might be missteps of others. (If you're a long-time reader of this blog, you've seen me bring this up before.) Still, I stand by my original argument that part of the reason otherwise amiable women find themselves being so judgmental about others’ choices is because of the feminist movement. It's pitted us against each other because of its promises of equality, liberation, super careers, happy motherhood, etc.

Which brings me to another point:

I was not attacking people - feminists or otherwise - who believe women deserve respect and equality. But I was blaming certain ideologies propagated by modern feminists who often seem to view "equality" as men and women being the same. In truth, the term "feminist" has gotten a bad rap, partly because it's been muddied up by extremist organizations like NOW. (I mentioned in my original article how early feminists fought for women to to be seen as being equal in dignity and worked to be champions virtue of virtue.) But in my personal experience - and perhaps I'm too quick to make global generalizations - many women today who claim to be feminists are extolling (inadvertently perhaps) two traits:

#1 the ability to juggle many balls at once or encouraging women to buy into the secular gospel that it’s not enough to be a mother (you’re much better if you’re a writer/humanitarian/mom or a doctor/researcher searching for a cure for cancer/mom). On this note, someone sent me a link to an NPR article called Can Working Moms "Have It All"? Ha! that made an excellent point about how we might be able to "have it all" but just not at the same time. I've often reminded myself of a similar point when I'm pining to start volunteering as I did in college or to write a novel or to pursue something else that's just not feasible (or sensible) at this juncture in my life. There's a season for everything. Right now the age of my children (as well as the nature of my husband's profession) require me to be fully present in their lives. It's cliche, but I always value when moms who have gone before me remind me to savor these times and that they really are just a small bleep on the radar screen of life.

And #2: You're better and stronger if you act more like a man and leave those empathetic tears at home.

I certainly shouldn't dub all feminists as angry women with Y chromosome envy. I'm hopeful of  New Feminism, which will hopefully take back the term "feminist" and that women everywhere will devote their resources to raising awareness about real injustices against women like "gendercide."

Presently, I'm blessed to know some self-proclaimed feminists who truly are about choices - and American women are blessed to have these choices. But perhaps a column for another day would be  take ask the question: At what cost are we willing to make some of these choices? When is the price too much to pay?

And while some at-home moms may be lucky to never have had to face any condescending remarks, I have. One example: I was once asked by another woman in a social setting what I did for a living. I proudly said I was an at-home (no twinges of inadequacy in this particular exchange). Her follow-up question, I kid you not, was: "Did you go to college?" Not, "Where did you go to school?" but did I even go. I don't blame her. I don't think she even realized how condescending she was being. And what if I hadn't gone to college? What then? My mom didn't finish college, and she's never felt insecure about it. (Go Mom!) She always wanted to be a wife and mom and believes her dropping out of college and focusing on the domestic front made it all the more possible for my dad to scale the ladders of corporate success. My mom is also one of the brightest women I know. Intelligence is not a commodity only granted to those who have professional titles or a college diploma.

Nor should we pursue a career as a way of exerting our independence or providing a backup plan in case we end up having to support ourselves. Smart, resourceful women can find their way back into the workforce. We won't "lose" ourselves, our potential to perform in the business world, or our identities if we give up a career for the mom track.

When I worked in secular media, we gave motherhood plenty of lip service, but there were definitely these subterranean messages (terms like "hybrid women" were subtle but clear: Doing more is better) to be careful to not "lose" myself in motherhood and to be sure to pursue all my heart's desires. The irony is I'm just beginning to find my true self in the trenches of motherhood.

Now to give readers some more background, I initially started jotting down ideas for the column after a feminist in my area began making a big deal about the "men at work" signs along our roadways. While I don't think she ever referred to herself as a radical feminist, to me this is a radical, if not absurd, agenda. While I imagine her intentions were good, why would an obviously passionate and intelligent woman devote so much time to something like this instead of doing something that would really benefit women and society at large (say local job fairs or helping to support breastfeeding women in the workplace)?

Her crusade was wrong on so many fronts. I could address the absurdity of pandering to an illogical minority all for the sake of political correctness. Even if the merits the argument that the “biased” signs are wounding women held some merit, should tax dollars be diverted so that a handful of women won’t have hurt feelings? Unquestionably, the advancement of women – not in the form of ridiculous road signs – but in education and social standing and in dignity, is venerable, but we need to advance women without changing them into something that's contrary to their design and the gifts they have. It's just been my experience (and perhaps as a commenter alluded to, it's a limiting one) that radical feminists often create a crisis where there isn't one.

All this said, we can't dump all the blame on radical feminists. The big push for Super Women is found in society at large. Everyone is telling us we can have it all. There's also this idea that all it takes is self-determination and you can make you into what you want to be, and God, our nature, and other circumstances that are out of our control are left out of the equation. Then when we don't get what we want, we feel like failures. But it's not all up to us. It never has been.

One commenter made an excellent point about all people - men and women - being called to give of themselves. This is the mark of a Christian. But men's "way of the cross" often takes on a different form than a woman's. When women start adopting male roles and traits, we rob men of the ability to be protectors and providers. We have to be careful to not undermine their worth by changing our own.

Of course, men can be great nurturers (I've said before my husband is a natural one). Likewise, women make great workers in fields other than motherhood, too. I actually prefer going to female health care providers because I feel like they listen to me better (you know, that special sensitivity I referred to in my article) and can just relate to the workings of a female body better than a man might be able to (but I have had great male doctors, too, and I happen to be married to one!). My midwife listens to her intuition. She's very, very good at looking at a laboring woman and knowing exactly what she needs at that moment. I'm so thankful she's using her innate gifts to help women bring life into the world.

Lest I'm not being completely clear: I am not against working women. Moms are working women. I'm not tsking, tsking working women who have to work outside of the home either. In fact, I've had to freelance write to help support my husband through his long medical training, so it would be very unfair of me to judge moms who work outside of the home simply because the nature of my trade allows me to do it at home. I understand economics often demand women work outside of the home and further believe that women can add a lot to the workforce.  I'm passionate about encouraging mothers (or fathers!) who have made the decision to stay at home with their children.  I do not believe anyone has the right to judge or condemn mothers who chose to work outside their homes. I know an amazing mom of many children who had to put her children in school go back to work for the good of her family. She is making tremendous sacrifices doing this and deserves admiration, not condemnation.

However, I do believe we should not work simply to be more like men, to feel better about ourselves, or to escape the "ennui" of motherhood. Unfortunately, I do see some potential bigger picture problems emerging with more and more women entering the workforce, but that would make for yet another column. The Economist recently had an article examining some of the real and potential effects of the economic empowerment of women.

Personally, I don't think I could have a demanding career and be a good mom. I know my own limitations. I have a tendency to be a perfectionist. Trying to be a perfect employer and mom would surely lead to burnout.  Motherhood alone sometimes leaves me feeling overwhelmed. Maybe it's partly because of the age of my kids (three five and under), the parenting style I adopt (practicing extended breastfeeding, not separating myself from my little ones much, etc.) and because of my husband's work (I'm almost always the one on night duty, and it gets exhausting). Sometimes it's hard enough for me to "just" be a mom. I just can't imagine nurturing three little ones AND working full-time. This doesn't mean it can't be done. As wives, mother, and women, we have to do what is right for our family at the time. I believe my family would have suffered had I remained in law school (I mentioned in the article that I dropped out of law school to support my husband through medical school). Yet if our circumstances demanded I take a leap of faith and re-enter the workforce, I would trust that I would manage somehow or another. Even now, knowing I'm blessed to be able to be the primary caregiver for my children, there are times when I find myself longing for the time management skills of another mother who appears to accomplish so much more than I ever could imagine doing. That's when I have to stop myself and remind myself to focus on what I am doing and what I'm doing right.

This brings me full circle back to the heart of my original message in the Inside Catholic article: Women, be whom you were created and called to be. Don't let anyone - feminist or not - convince you that you're less of a woman or a person for embracing your femininity and/or motherhood.

Now go cuddle with your kids (you're making a good use of your time even if you can't add that particular skill to your curriculum vitae - as a friend reminded me) and know that your children are most definitely concrete achievements in this world and the next. :-)

*UPDATED: I thought this was wise counsel from another comment and something I need to keep close: "If instead, we just begin to radiate our own personal comfort in 'being' who we are - not so much needing to 'justify ourselves' as one thing vs. something else - I think we would not only have more personal peace, but in some cases, others could find even better inspiration from our peace, than from many of our words - especially if the words have to become defensive and/or contentious."

Comments closed for Lent.

I Am Woman

You can read my latest Inside Catholic column: I Am Woman.  Comments are open over there.

Raising Little Scribes

You can read my latest feature at Faith & Family LIVE: Encouraging Creative Writing: Four Ways to Inspire Your Kids.

Hold the Beef: Going Meatless in Lent and Beyond

I'm back. Sort of. I'm still limiting my screen time, and I have much to say about my recent Internet fast (including how I learned the most from a moment of weakness). I hope to blog about my experience eventually. I actually had no contact with a computer or even email for three whole days and then continued to curtail my Internet time other than a daily email check for a little over a week. It was not easy, but it was rewarding. No pain, no gain, right? I also have much to share (including photos!) about a recent trip we enjoyed, thanks to the generosity of my parents.

I'll get to it all - eventually.

For now, I'm sharing my most recent feature at Faith & Family LIVE! that was published while I was MIA. Check out Hold the Beef: Going Meatless in Lent and Beyond, and share your favorite recipes for meatless meals.

A Choice Worth Making

Today I'm over at Faith & Family LIVE! explaining why my belief in God remains in me even during the most difficult times. Please read A Choice Worth Making. Comments are open over there, and I'd love to hear what helps keep you faithful in the wake of disaster, suffering, or heartache as well as during spiritual dry spells. Have a great week.

Taming a Material Girl

You can read my latest feature at Faith & Family LIVE! today: Taming a Material Girl: Teaching Children Contentment.

Enjoy these last few days of Advent. Blessings!

Come One, Come All...and Win a Magazine Subscription

I'm over at Faith & Family LIVE! today sharing tips on how to host an Advent cookie swap. While you're over there getting hungry as you dream of the heap of cookies you'll soon have stashed, check out Faith & Family Days, which is a wonderful opportunity to not only support Faith & Family magazine but also to enter to win over 50 great prizes. (Here's a look at some of the prizes offered on Tuesday. New prizes will be available each day.)

It's no surprise that Faith & Family magazine is my favorite publication. Long before I was blessed enough to write for the glossy, I was a loyal subscriber. Think of Faith & Family as a Woman's Day for Christian women. From fashion tips to delicious recipes, it's chock full of all the kinds of articles I enjoy reading as a mom and wife. Yet, everything is filtered through a Christian perspective, and the editorial content is focused on what's most important to me - faith and family. It's also a high quality, beautiful publication that would be a welcome treat in a friend's mailbox. (Why not consider giving a special pal a gift subscription this Christmas?)

That's why, in honor of Faith & Family Days, I'm going to give away a one-year gift subscription to one lucky person who leaves a comment after this post on or before Wednesday, December 16th. (Sorry but USA residents only, please.)

Read all the rules and details for Faith & Family Days here, and be sure to stop by Faith & Family LIVE! daily to see what prizes area available. Finally, don't forget to leave a comment below for a chance at winning a one-year subscription.

Happy Advent!

Tales from a Failed Perfectionist

You can read my latest Faith & Family LIVE! feature today: Perfect Schmerfect: Giving Myself Permission to be Human.

New Column: Real Draw for Real Presence

I'm over at Faith & Family LIVE! today trying to explain why I'm Catholic. Or perhaps more to the point, why I bother to go to Mass when it's not always easy to pay much attention to know where I even am with three little ones clinging to me.

Here's the Cliff's Notes answer: It just so happens that Mass is the only place I can receive Christ bodily. Over and over again I keep coming back to the Lord's table because everything I need can be found in the Eucharist.

Here's the article.

For anyone interested in learning more about the Eucharist, here are a few helpful links:

Definition of the Real Presence of Christ in the Eucharist from Catholic Encyclopedia

The Celebration of the Christian Mystery from the Catechism of the Catholic Church

I also love this post on Adoration from Conversion Diary.

Anyone else have any helpful links or words to help explain the Real Presence of Christ to curious non-Catholics or loved ones who have left the Catholic Church?

Battling Burnout

I'm over at Faith & Family LIVE! today sharing five strategies to help keep your life in balance. Please stop by and share your own tips for beating burnout.

One Thing at a Time

I'm over at Faith & Family LIVE! today marveling at my husband's remarkable ability to do just one thing at a time. Please stop on by and read "I Cut the Watermelon."