Book Review: The Temperament God Gave Your Spouse

I recently read The Temperament God Gave Your Spouse by Art and Laraine Bennett as part of The Catholic Company’s Reviewer Program. The book was right up my overanalyzing alley, especially since I have a thing for personality quizzes (that’s according to my ever-obliging-husband who is always a good sport about taking the tests along with me).

Now I did have to do some background research before I could fully appreciate the book. Unlike their first book called The Temperament God Gave You (which I haven’t personally read but have heard a great deal about), this one doesn’t give as much background info on the different temperament profiles or how to tell what one you or your spouse has.

Although many of my friends swear by the four temperaments and know theirs in and out, I hadn’t personally taken this particular personality test. So I actually ordered Personality Plus upon the recommendation of my choleric-melancholic friend. She also said The Temperament God Gave You is a good read, but she felt that Personality Plus goes into greater detail about the temperaments. The book also includes a detailed personality profile test that requires you to look at 40 groups of words and to choose one word out of four that applies most often to you.

You can actually take the Personality Plus temperament test online here, but the Internet version doesn’t include the definitions of the words, which I found to be very helpful especially with some of the tougher word groups where I didn’t immediately recognize the word that most often describes me. For instance, the word “positive” when applied to your temperament means “knows it will turn out right if he’s in charge.”

There’s a more anecdotal temperament test available on 4Marks (a Catholic social networking site), but I found this one to be less accurate (and so did my husband when I showed him my results). Likewise, you can take the test that goes with The Temperament God Gave You can be found here. Although it yielded the same results as the Personality Plus test for me, this test version doesn’t breakdown your strengths and weaknesses in each area.

Once you know you and your spouse’s temperaments, The Temperament God Gave Your Spouse offers practical insight on how to better connect with your partner. The book includes communication “cheat sheets,” other tips for dealing with temperaments different than your own, and offers anecdotal examples of how and why couples who mix together dissimilar temperaments might clash – not intentionally but simply because they see the world differently – as well as ways to overcome some of the unique challenges you and your spouse temperament combo might create.

I gleaned a few helpful pointers from the book but in all honesty my husband Dave and I don’t fight much, but I can’t take credit for that. He’s the stable one with the patience of Job, after all.

Want to know what kind of temperament God gave Dave? He’s the peaceful phlegmatic. Sounds gross like he regularly dispels out phlegm. Not so at all. The only thing he regularly doles out is friendliness and kindness. Yes, I’m married to the all-purpose person. The great parent. The low-key, likable guy. The one who avoids conflict and rarely sweats the small stuff. Dave’s phlegmatic leanings were dominant, but he did have a few choleric and melancholic traits as well.

As for me? Brace yourself. I am a freak of nature, a marriage of extremes. A bizzaro sanguine-melancholic blend (I scored virtually the same points in each of those temperament) with a touch of choleric tendencies (AKA type A control freak leanings) with only a whopping two points falling in the peaceful phlegmatic category. I’m the personality combo that can lead to emotional problems, according to Personality Plus. I’m the one the Bennetts write about in their “opposites attract” section; yet, the opposites exist within me, not in my marriage.

Great.

The only solace I have is that my parents both took the test, and my dad and I scored strikingly similar – our points were distributed almost exactly among the different temperament types and he, too, is a peculiar merger of the sanguine (the optimistic extrovert) and the melancholic (the pensive perfectionist pessimist).

The crazy thing, as I previously mentioned, is the test was really accurate once I started reading the strengths and weaknesses of both types. I read these aloud to my husband, and he, the peaceful phlegmatic, just chuckled.

In fact, some of the anecdotes Personality Plus shared of other weirdo hybrids like myself were things I’ve actually done. Kind of scary when you read about a perfectionist’s filing system and recognize it as your own.

Ah, but as the Bennetts remind us in their marriage book opposites do attract (apparently sometimes inside of the same person as in my case). Maybe that’s why I’ve always felt that Dave was the yang to my yin and that we complement one another so well.

Actually, the same friend who recommended Personality Plus looked at our scores and said that Christ is a perfect blend of all four temperaments and that Dave and I together look a lot like Christ. Yippee! So what if Dave’s got all the strengths and I’m a heap of weaknesses – the reluctant optimist, the person who likes people but also needs alone time like she needs air, the woman who wants to lower her standards but feels like a failure when she does? Together we rock! There’s a reason God didn’t want man – especially the split personality kind of person like me – to be alone. I need someone to center me.

Clearly, this entire post is evidence of my temperament. I can’t stop yaking or overanalyzing my results. (This isn’t something new as this old post from last year about my Meyers-Briggs results reveals. Read it if you want to feel better about yourself seeing how messed up I am.)

In all seriousness, I found that knowing Dave and my temperament and subsequently reading The Temperament God Gave Your Spouse can only help your marriage. As the Bennetts point out, people typically marry someone with the same big-picture values but with different temperaments. Knowing your own and your spouse’s temperament isn’t meant to box you or your marriage in; it’s meant to give you a better understanding of your strengths and weaknesses and how they function in the context of marriage.

I’ve joked about my unique temperament blend, but in all honesty it helped me to understand why I feel and do certain things such as why I sometimes set too high of standards for myself, my husband, and my children (it’s that melancholic girl in me).

Finally, as someone who is in a mixed marriage, I’ve often wondered why Dave can be so peaceful and at ease with life and not appear to need (at this time anyway) the Sacraments like I do. Knowing that a large part of his inner peace is innate and God-given has helped me to realize that how we react to life is not always a clear indication of the depths of our faith. God gives us different temperaments, and he doesn’t ever ask us to reinvent ourselves. He only desires that we work on being the best version of ourselves and love others who may approach life differently than us.

I hope to read The Temperament God Gave You in the near future and recommend their most recent book. You can purchase both books at The Catholic Company.

Mixed Marriage Final Tips (For Now)

It’s been some time since I’ve revisited this topic near and dear to my heart, but I did have two final “tips” I’ve been wanting to throw out there. You can view the other posts in my mixed marriage series here. The series is for couples who may not share a unity of faith and includes some tips that I would hope would be helpful for anyone wishing to “live the faith” and to bring others (strangers, friends, family members, work colleagues, etc.) closer to God.

Seek out support.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere. There are all my Catholic homeschooling friends with their devout husbands (some of them converts, some of them cradle Catholics) whom I admittedly sometimes long to be more like – the Catholic couple who shares laughter, an episode of 24, and the Eucharist together. Then there are my non-Catholic friends who don’t understand what the big deal is. Why should it matter if my husband and I aren’t on the same page when it comes to faith?

Likewise, I don’t want to vent to my parents (or my friends) about my husband or our disparity in faith. I want to build him and our marriage up in every way I can; yet, sometimes I want someone who knows how hard it is to love someone with all of your heart but at the same time, to harbor an intense longing to share your faith with him.

What I’ve learned to do is to pick and choose a few close friends I can confide in, especially those who are also in mixed marriages. My nana is a devout Catholic who was married to a non-Catholic, and she’s been a wellspring of wisdom for me. We were lucky to have her with us during the holidays, and I mentioned that if having a non-Catholic spouse, who was still a loving, good man, was my cross to bear, then so be it, when she said something that really struck me: “It’s not your cross to bear at all. This is God’s business.” I needed to hear that at this point in my life. I can be a good wife. I can uphold my obligations to the faith. But it’s not up to me to convert him. As my wise nana said, that is ultimately God’s work.

In addition, I’ve recently met women through the blogosphere who share my similar struggles, and it’s been a real blessing to know I’m not alone. As Ebeth from A Catholic Mom Climbing the Pillars wrote, “We ‘mixed marrieds’ are kindred spirits that must continue to nurture each other as we continue to silently encourage our families.”

Priests can be a source of wisdom as well. I recently was really struggling with my mixed marriage and feeling hopeless, so I went to confession. I told the priest I was feeling like a defeatist, like there was nothing I could do to soothe this sadness in my heart or to bridge this division in my otherwise happy marriage. I briefly explained my husband and my situation. I hadn’t spoken to a priest about it since my pre-Cana program, and it was as if a burden had been lifted. The priest encouraged me to stop trying so hard and to not feel like I am responsible for answering all of my husband’s tough questions (and as a very, very rational man of science he has many) and that I should encourage my husband to speak to a priest.

So I did. The ball’s in his court now, but I don’t feel like everything is resting on me. I can say, “Let me get back to you,” when he asks me something I can’t explain right away. Or I can ask him to please seek the counsel of clergy because this is something I’m not qualified (or prepared) to answer.

And when I’m wrestling with my own doubts, I cannot start to think that there’s no hope for my children or my husband. I have to work through my spiritual dry spells. I have to pray. I have to spend time with the Blessed Sacrament. I have to embrace my spiritual challenges as a way of becoming stronger in my faith instead of looking at it as a precursor to non-belief.

Never underestimate the power of prayer.

Prayer – even if it never leads to conversion – is needed to nourish your own soul and faith life. I find that being in a mixed marriage demands that I pray regularly and fervently – not only for my husband and children but for my own strength and wisdom.

Recently, I’ve started kneeling beside my bed during my evening prayers often when my husband is around. I used to just pray in bed, but there’s something beautiful and humbling about getting down on my knees to pray. I’m not doing it to be showy, although my husband is surely more likely to notice me praying when I embrace a more overt prayerful posture. What it really does for me is to help me focus (something I need since, as I’ve mentioned before, I tend the have the attention span of a housefly).

When I do pray specifically for my husband and our mixed marriage, I often recite this prayer from Mothers’ Manual by A. Francis Coomes, S.J.:

For Unity of Faith

Lord God, according to your holy designs you have ordained that in matrimony man and wife shall be so closely united to become as “one flesh.” Grant now that my husband and I may be closely united in all things according to your holy law. Grant us your abundant graces that we may enjoy the blessing of being joined by a common faith.

You know what it would mean to me if we could share completely the same religious views and convictions. If we could be united closely in the same religious practices and observances. You know what it would mean if we could share the same belief in the sacraments and have the same understanding of them and the same love for them.

That this may be realized according to your holy ways, let me never falter in my own personal obligations and in my observances of all that is required by your law of love. Bestow, in your mercy, your bounteous graces now so that one day, as completely united as possible in this life, we may both approach your communion banquet and there receive together your blessing and your love.

Amen.

So stay hopeful, keep up the good fight. Persevere with humility and patience as St. Monica did. Pray for your spouse, your children, and your own faith life. Lead a life of love. Practice virtue.

And keep close this wisdom from the Catechism:

“For the unbelieving husband is consecrated through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is consecrated through her husband. It is a great joy for the Christian spouse and for the Church if this consecration should lead to the free conversion of the other spouse to the Christian faith. Sincere married love, the humble and patient practice of family virtues, and perseverance in prayer can prepare the non-believing spouse to accept the grace of conversion.” (CCC 1637)

If you’re in a mixed marriage as well, what tips do you have to share on how to deal with the faith differences of you and your spouse? What about your children? How do you help them cope with the dichotomy in your marriage? I’d love to hear your words of wisdom.

Mixed Marriage Series: Tip 3

Welcome to my mixed marriage series. This is tip three of living a mixed marriage: Let the little children come. To see other posts from the series, please click here.

As Catholics, we are required to bring up our children in the faith. We are nothing less than missionaries who are planting the roots of the Church in our home. The Catechism of the Catholic Church states: “The fecundity of conjugal love cannot be reduced solely to the procreation of children, but must extend to their moral education and spiritual formation” (CCC 2221).

So we must not only bear fruit; we must ripen it for Christ by leading our children to Him, training them in godliness, and nurturing their souls for an eternity in heaven.

Thankfully, the Sacrament of Marriage showers couples with graces that help them face this intimidating and daunting task of touching the souls of our children and bringing them to know, love, and serve Jesus with all of their being.

But what about the couple in a mixed marriage? Can they really bear witness to this awesome responsibility and create “a home where tenderness, forgiveness, respect, fidelity, and disinterested service are the rule” (CCC 2223)? Can children grow in faith, embrace the virtues Christ imitates, and know the tremendous power of the Eucharist when only one parent is living the Catholic faith?

Some would say probably not. How can Mom and Dad share something with their children that they don’t share with each other?

In fact, after I wrote my first post, I had someone email me with the following comment:

“While the Catholic spouse can be willing to enter into this situation and indeed their faith remains intact throughout the marriage or even grows stronger, future children may or may not be able to successfully handle this dichotomy. Statistically there is more chance of the children keeping the faith if both parents are practicing that faith. So while a Catholic parent with a non-Catholic spouse can overcome the odds, couples must factor in these possibilities when they make their decision. They should not just be thinking of themselves and the possibilities of their own happiness or unhappiness together or even of their own faith journeys. It is really not about them. According to the Church the purpose of marriage is to have and bring up children in the faith – to create and educate new souls for eternal happiness with God.”

This person was obviously being very charitable and at first her comments didn’t bother me, but then I started to think about how nurturing souls for Christ – even when both parents are devout Catholics – is no easy undertaking and I couldn’t help but think: How in the world am I going to do it on my own?

My short answer: With a whole lot of prayer, a good dose of due diligence, and total trust that God will give me all the graces I need to reveal the faith to my children. And I’m not really going at it solo. God is with me to guide me and to help me share this faith I love.

After I read this email, I also started thinking about the push-pull theory. I’ve heard a priest say that you should pull your kids (as well as others) to love Christ and to go to Mass, not push them. You should show them what a gift the Eucharist is, not turn Mass into just another thing “Mom makes me do.”

Ultimately, I want my kids to choose to be Catholic because it is what they want, not because it’s all they know.

In many ways, the reason I was Catholic for a long time was simply because I was born Catholic and had two faithful parents, so that’s all I’d ever known. I always went to Mass, even in college, but not always for the right reasons. I consider myself somewhat of a revert because in many ways I have just started rediscovering my faith and falling in love with the Church and its teachings. I was always aware of God’s existence, but I didn’t always have a personal relationship with him. All that is changing and sometimes I think that my seeking and my hunger for a more intimate relationship with Christ is a direct result of me marrying someone who doesn’t share my faith.

Of course, my children will only begin to want the faith once they come to understand it more, so teaching my kids about Catholicism is a part of our daily lives. Not surprisingly, Dave and I have frequent conversations about our children’s faith upbringing. One tough question I had to ask him recently was, “If something happens to me, will you promise to raise our children Catholic?”

He has promised to do so, and I believe him.

We also pray together as a family and go to Sunday Mass together and talk about God. This unity is very important. However, my 3-year-old has already started to notice that Daddy doesn’t go up to Communion.

The first time she asked why he didn’t come with us, I explained it this way: “Daddy doesn’t have the same gift that we have or if he does, he hasn’t opened it yet and it’s our job to help him find it and unwrap it.”

Sure, this simple explanation may not work on a 16-year-old, but right now she’s very keen on helping Daddy get his present. There’s a reason Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me.” Their humility and blind trust is a beautiful reminder of how we should all approach our faith. Madeline loves to talk about God. She asks to pray a decade of the Rosary. She colors saints in her All Saints Coloring Book and asks about their lives. She’s a wonderful witness to the faith for her daddy and to others as well.

Previously, I shared some wisdom Heather, another member of a mixed marriage, had gleaned from a priest she consulted. Not only did he tell her to never underestimate the power of the Holy Spirit but also to allow her children to evangelize to her non-Catholic spouse.

She writes,

“What I really liked was when my priest told me to have the children not only pray for him daily but to talk to him. Talk to him and ask him about his faith. Ask him why he hesitates to join us. And they do. My daughter makes him rosaries. She tells him that she would love to teach him how to pray the rosary. They ask in hopeful anticipation if he’ll come to Mass with us. They tell him how they love God first and foremost and wonder if he does too??? They so innocently draw him in to examine his conscience. Even if he never relays this to me, I can see it. I love that in nightly prayers my little guy yells out, ‘Don’t forget to pray for daddy to become Catholic!’ I don’t mind if my husband overhears this – it’s meant with a whole heart.”

While I’m not suggesting you goad your children to be pint-sized apologetics, allow them to share their love for God with your spouse. Likewise, don’t be afraid if your children approach your spouse with questions pertaining to the faith. This used to scare me, partly because Dave can be so much more logical sounding than passionate (and sometimes irrational) me. But now I realize if they’re confused by his answers, I have a chance to teach them about why we believe what we do.

Finally, this might seem crazy or audacious of me, but in some ways I think I pray more fervently for my children’s faithful upbringing because I know this awesome responsibility rests almost entirely on me. However, I do think my husband’s innate unselfishness, openness to life, kindness and generosity imitate Christ and are helping to teach virtues.

“Family members help one another grow in faith by the witness of Christian life in keeping with the Gospel” (CCC 2226). Dave may not even realize he’s doing it, but he leads a life that is completely in line with the teachings of the Gospel and thus, he is showing my children how to be more Christ-like.

I have an older brother who has left the Church and I know this is very hard for my parents, but my mom has said that there comes a point when you just have to release your children into the care of God. Not that you ever stop praying – St. Monica certainly didn’t and I won’t either, but if my children fall away from the Church, I know that I can’t blame it on what I did or didn’t do or the fact that I married a non-Catholic.

Truth is, the odds may be stacked against my children, but there are saints who overcame far greater odds. When I’m feeling overwhelmed by my responsibility, I turn to St. Monica (whose Feast Day we celebrated on August 27th) for hope and guidance.

Prayer to St. Monica for Mothers

Exemplary Mother of the great Augustine, you perseveringly pursued your wayward son, not with wild threats but with prayerful cries to heaven.

Intercede for all mothers in our day so that they may learn to draw their children to God.

Teach them how to remain close to their children, even the prodigal sons and daughters, who have sadly gone astray.

Amen.

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