All or Nothing

Preface: I’ll be getting off this technology kick soon (promise!), but I wanted to share just a few more thoughts on the topic before I get back to writing about more interesting stuff - you know, like my kids' bowel movements. I bet you can't wait.

For nearly a year now, I’ve been asking the question - to blog or not to blog? - and wondering if blogging was the ball to drop since I have so many to juggle right now.

More than a month ago, in fact, I wrote this to a friend (who ironically is someone I “met” in the world of cyberspace):

“Recently, I have been considering reverting back to the ‘hidden’ life I led before I ventured into the blogosphere and online forums. I'm discerning this for various reasons. I've thought about it before and have always decided that the positive outweighs the negative - that we can give the Internet a soul as the Pope has urged new media users to do and that our words can encourage. Plus, I'm a writer. I will always write. It is my medicine. It is where I find hope. It's often how I pray in my private journals and sometimes in a public space as well. The online world yields goodness many times, but it also can evoke anger, guilt, and pull us away from our need for real human connection. I hate how impersonal using new media can become, how we can act like we're not talking to humans with a soul and we forget that just because we can't see someone, she is still a real person who can be easily wounded with our liberal, unfiltered use of a careless tone or hurtful words. I've unfortunately been exposed to some of the ugliness, including hateful comments after people’s posts or online columns, an occasional personal attack, and broken relationships that have fallen apart for some of people I know all within the realm of a social network. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if my life was better before I had a bigger presence online and before I was exposed to all of this ugliness.”

I also wrote this:

“Should I be simplifying my life and move away from ‘talking’ to women online? Should I be focusing all of my time and energies, which are both in scarce supply at this season in my life, to ministering only to my real-life friends while working on living a life of holiness without participating in online forums, Twittering, etc.? Yet, some friends I first encountered on a blog or some other social network have become my real friends. I may not know their physical embrace (though I've been lucky to meet some of them in-person), but I wonder about them and pray about them, too.

Although I've inadvertently made some enemies online, too. It often seems that no matter how hard I try to edify and encourage with my words, someone gets hurt or is offended or takes something completely out of context. This is never, ever my intention, but my failings perhaps as a writer and as a fallible human lead it to keep happening. Usually, I'm able to take a deep breath, say a prayer, and ask God to help me to do what He wants, but I've been having some trouble with detachment. Maybe it's my vanity, my desire for affirmation that allows others' words to have too much power over me. Maybe I just need to talk to God more and ask for His graces and the strength to do His will with my words and my life and to not take everything personally. I'm not 16 anymore for goodness' sake. Or maybe I do need to click away from it all, although the thought of that makes me sad, too.”

And lastly, this:

“Then again, perhaps I need to focus more on the positive. I can see one negative blog post somewhere or one pessimistic opinion and globalize it and forget about the dozens of encouraging words and kind emails that find their way to me or to others. One snappy email can land in my inbox and it's as if I forget all the hopeful words, the goodness, and the encouragement I have gleaned from this beautiful, albeit human, online community. So many of us are doing things that are counter cultural. It's comforting to find a group of women - even if we'll never meet them face-to-face - who share our values and are just trying to get to heaven by recognizing and doing God's will. During the times I'm tempted to go off the Internet grid I'll think of someone I’ve ‘met’ online who has offered me encouragement just when I needed it the most.

I'm clearly just dumping thoughts out here, but I'm curious what your thoughts are on finding balance in using the Internet to facilitate good relationships and spread the Good News with living a holy, hands-on life where you spend lots of time unplugged because I think that's what I truly seek: balance and more simplicity, not a complete absence from an online community that can, with a good dose of prudence, have a soul.”

After pondering things further, this is what I believe I still seek - balance and simplicity in the Blogosphere and with all technology. Going completely cold turkey on digital connectivity is just not an option even though that might be the easiest solution. My mom and older brother reminded me of this recently after I sought their advice on whether I should specifically keep blogging or not

"What do you think? Should I keep blogging?" I asked my mom.

Without any hesitation, my mom answered, "Yes."

Then she added, "But ultimately it is your decision."

She reminded me about the need for a marketing platform for my upcoming book. Writers are notoriously bad at promoting themselves or their work. But like it or not, it's a part of the game. I know this. When I decided to launch a freelance career nearly a decade ago, I sought the advice of a successful, veteran freelancer I knew. She told me getting published required an ounce of talent but tons of marketing. We artsy types don't like to think about the business side of writing. Fortunately, I've always had a marketing streak in me. I've worked as an event planner and did my share of PR work and found it thrilling to sell a charity, an idea, a service, or a product.

When I first started picking up freelance work, I was somewhat disillusioned because I didn't always get to write what I wanted (or what I felt was worth reading), but the paychecks were coming in and I eventually was able to quit my day job and support my husband through his last year of medical school. It's tempting now to believe there's no more need for marketing, especially since I'm no longer our family's sole bread winner and have shifted from a freelancer to an at-home mom who writes on the side and is pursuing her dream of writing a book. This would be a mistake. Either write or be written off.

So that was one very good reason to keep blogging, but I don't want it to be the only reason. I’m still too idealistic for that.

Mom came to the rescue again. "Plus, you enjoy it," she said. And I do, for the most part. What I don't enjoy is the temptation to compare myself to other mom bloggers/writers or to be exposed to some of the meanness and judgmental remarks that cut their way through online communities and social networks.

But I’ve thought about this a lot, too, and wonder why I expect to find “heaven on earth” in the online world? We can strive to give the Internet a soul, but we still are fallen people. Just as I am slowly learning to let go of the idea of perfect children with a perfect mother married to a perfect man all living in a picture-perfect home, perhaps I need to let go of the belief that I can find a utopia online where there are never any hurt feelings. I need to accept our brokenness and do my best to use my own words to patch myself and others up, but I can't expect to find perfect peace here. As a Catholic, the closest I’ll ever come to finding that is in the Eucharist.

As I continued to talk to my mom about my struggles - how it was tough for me to decide if blogging was a legitimate form of self-care, for example - I said something like, "I have so much trouble with temperance. I either want to pour my heart and soul into something or not do it at all."

This is when my older brother piped in. "Anyone with an addictive personality is going to have a hard time with that.”

My brother knows a lot about "all or nothing." He knows a lot about addiction, too. Jason has made it through his first round of interviews with the Archdiocese of Atlanta to become a priest (keep your prayers coming, please), but several years ago he was fighting a drug addiction. He hit rock bottom at one point because he’d decided he never could be all and that he would always be nothing, but God’s grace is stubborn. It finds you even when you don’t want to be saved. And so my brother, desperately alone and scared, entered a Christian-based drug rehab program. Slowly he rebuilt his heart, his life, and his faith. He’s been sober for almost seven years. Thanks be to God.

During his recovery and hours and hours spent in conversation with God, he's gained perspective on an “all or nothing” approach. It turns out you finally meet God when you come to the point that you accept that you will never do it all or be all. You need God for that; He blesses what is human. He fills your gaps with His abundant grace. And, yet, you are so much more than "nothing" even at your lowest points. The gravest sin is the sin of Judas - complete and utter despair.

Embracing this big picture idea, he explained, helps you to apply temperance in other aspects of life - like using technology, eating, exercising, etc. As I’m pondering all of this, I keep returning to food analogies because this is one area I have grown in virtue since my eating disorder days. When I was recovering, I had to "get right" with food. Let's say I wanted a brownie. I might have a small slab of ooey-gooey goodness, enjoy its taste, and be temporarily satisfied. But moments after I swallowed its deliciousness, the feelings of guilt would begin. Why did I eat that stupid brownie?

I'd take a deep breath, maybe pray, remind myself that eating a brownie is not a sign of moral depravity. Then a part of me would nag, "Well, you've already screwed up. Why not have another one?"

This line of thinking makes no sense, but years of deprivation had distorted my relationship with food. I was unable to eat mindfully. It took a lot of prayer and grace to make peace with food and my body, to eat that one brownie without guilt and without convincing myself to eat three more brownies because I’d already screwed up royally and was "nothing” but a weak, lousy person.

My former distorted view of eating and self-worth is unfortunately not all that uncommon. Many people struggle with food, allowing it to become the main event in life instead of just a delicious dessert.

A friend of mine in high school once confessed that it was easier to starve herself than to eat at all. This might sound crazy to you if you've never had a body image problem or eating disorder, but I understood what she meant completely.

All or nothing.

In the past, Jason has gently pointed out that my eating disorder past is related to addiction and that we have more in common than I'd like to admit. I’ve never used drugs. I’ve never thought of myself as an addict; yet, I sought the "high" of thinness and control of the scale. The challenge for me, my brother said, is that unlike a drug addict or an alcoholic, I can't give up food just because in the past it had the power to control me. Instead I have to learn to not allow food or my weight to have any power over me or to consume every waking thought in my life. While I still have occasional tough days when I struggle with my body image (and, in fact, I've struggled with it more during my depressive episode), for the most part I've found a happy place where I'm healthy without falling prey to vanity or becoming obsessed with the scale or being at a certain (and often unrealistic) weight. It's not all or nothing for me anymore. Eating, my body, each of these are something, though. Something good, something satisfying, something to glorify God with.

The good news is I don't have nearly as warped of a relationship with technology (thank God) as I did with food and my body. I really am just trying to be a better steward of my time and to not let technology distract me from my vocation as well as stress me out rather than make my life easier and richer. This is where prudence comes in. Prudence, the mother of all virtues, is what prompts me to act in a way that is in line with goodness and truth. Prudence helps me prioritize and recognize what needs to be done now, what can be done later, and what ought to be avoided.

Most of us can't approach technology with an "all or nothing" mindset. As moms, we rarely, if ever, can give our all to any one task - even those that are a part of our duty to manage a household like laundry - without expecting to never be interrupted. I need to work on embracing these interruptions with grace and patience not just most of the time, but all of the time.

One of my frustrations lately is the fact that I have very little time without my children because of my husband's work hours (which are getting much better now!) and because my children wake up early if I wake up early. I get irked that I’m unable to wake up before my kids and savor the silence. Not only because it’s terribly difficult - even as a morning person - to drag yourself out of bed before sunrise when you’ve been up with a baby twice and a preschooler having night terrors once and have had to resist the urge to smother your snoring husband with a pillow during the night - but also the Night-of-the-Living-Dead-preschooler has an amazingly accurate “Momdar” and gives you about eight minutes before she pops out of bed and finds you - no matter where you are hidden. So mornings, for right now, are out, and I'm trying to be in bed by 10 p.m., but that leaves very little time for me to do much of anything else since it's lights out for my oldest by 8 p.m. Argh. (This is really why I need a blog. For therapeutic rants.)

As I've been discerning this blog’s future, my husband reminded me to consider why I started this blog to begin with, which was simply because I love to write and I love my family. Three years ago when I started, I had virtually no audience; yet, I showed up and wrote into a black hole a few times a week just for the satisfaction of it. I did not read other blogs much at all. Despite my hidden life as a blogger, I got a lot of enjoyment out of it. It was cathartic to write about tough days, and it was important to write about the good days, too, the ordinary moments where my children and I found joy just being together.

As I thought about this, I considered that maybe I should just stick to my personal journals.

Maybe (after the book is said and done and sold a handful of copies). But my personal journals can easily turn into a whine fest whereas when I write here, I look for the glimpses of goodness even in the most difficult day. Blogging keeps me focused on portraying a life of happiness, Godliness, a life that may come off as too Pollyanna-ish or Chicken Soup for the Soulish to some readers. But it's a life worth living - and worth loving.

So what does all of this rambling mess mean for my blog, for me, and for you, my faithful readers? My brother, my husband, my mom as well as some of you guys (thank you for your support and for putting up with these stream of consciousness posts!) have all helped me to see that "To blog or not to blog?" isn't the right question at all. It's not an "all or nothing" kind of thing. As I concluded in my first post, detachment may be the best solution. How I blog (using prudence) and when I blog (using temperance) are far more important than whether I blog or not. I have to continue to ask tough questions like: How do I learn to detach myself from it all - to not allow the words of others, the comments on my blog or others’ blogs (good or bad), the hurt that sometimes happens in online forums, etc. to have power over me or to rob me of my happiness? How do I know when I’m following God's will and not allowing my own pride or vanity to call the shots in the online world? These are not easy questions to answer, but I’m willing to keep asking them as I plod along here.

My husband recently said, "You won't be blogging forever." Probably not. But, for now, I'm here. Pray with me, won’t you? Pray we can all learn to use technology prudently, moderately, and to bring goodness into others’ lives.

So, in-a-should-have-been-cracked-with-far-less-words-than-above-nutshell, I'm here to stay for the time being, although posts may be more sporadic and I ask you in advance to forgive the typos that snake their way into my writing. I'm not going to get too obsessive-compulsive about them.

Four Reasons It's Tough for Moms to Find Balance When It Comes to Technology

After I fessed up about my tortured relationship with technology, several emails landed in my inbox from other moms out there who find it difficult, at times, to put email, Internet, texting, blogging, etc. in their proper place.

Why, I began to wonder, do we struggle with temperance and prudence when applied to technology?

I've come up with a few theories as I've sorted through my own feelings.

Technology allows moms to multitask like never before.

Moms are multitasking mavens, so it's no wonder we turn to technology to make our life easier and to allow us to do more at once. The problem is, a lot of us assume we can do more than we're really capable of without becoming overwhelmed or stressed.

An email from a reader explained it this way: "You have observed in yourself and other moms what many of the cognitive psychology people are observing and trying to inform people of - that multi-tasking is incredibly inefficient and no one realizes it because people have a natural tendency to overestimate their cognitive capacities (think texting and driving) and think that they can handle it all. It's hard not to do and we have to do it as moms, but there's only so much attention to go around, so something's gotta give."

She's on to something here. Somehow I have it my head that I can cook dinner and sweep the floor and talk on the phone and check my email on my Smartphone and keep my kids happy and maintain serenity in my own heart. When I write that, I realize just how ridiculous that is. And even if you can juggle a million things at once, that doesn't mean you should. This is a prescription for burnout.

You'd think I'd have learned this lesson by now. My first major burnout episode occurred during my senior year of high school when I was training and preparing to join the cross country team, taking a load of AP classes, student council secretary, in a play, dating my first real boyfriend, and trying to keep my weight below a certain number.

One evening I came home feeling awful. I ended up being diagnosed with a serious case of mono that led to severe swelling of my spleen and liver. To tell you how warped I am, my parents actually caught me trying to exercise - even though I was at risk of rupturing my spleen - when I was supposed to be resting in my bedroom. Some teens sneak pot into their rooms. My contraband? Dumbbells. (Weirdo!) I was out of school for three months, and my doctor said I was lucky that it wasn't longer. Good news is I'm not nearly as psycho as I was then. Really. I promise. :-) But, clearly, I struggle with trying to do too much, and technology can be a danger to Type Aers like me and can contribute to a major multitasking meltdown.

Technology, with its promises of speed and efficiency, leads us believe we can be everywhere and do virtually everything at once. But what it really does is turns our brains to mush, makes us feel overwhelmed, and keeps us from living a present. Whenever I've caught myself moving at a frantic clip and attempting to accomplish too much, everything becomes a blur, including good times.

Technology is necessary, ubiquitous, and offers limitless information.

In this day and age, it's difficult to live without the Internet, email, etc. Even my mom who suffers from complete computerphobia recognizes the need to have email and has just recently entered the texting world. (For the past week, she's actually been sending me an encouraging text each morning like: "You are doing the most important and most difficult job in God's eyes. Give yourself a break.") In fact, many of the volunteer committees my mom belongs to at her parish rely on email as the main form of communication. She accepts that she has to log on from time to time to be an effective volunteer, but you'd never find her reading anyone's blog (other than mine, of course. Thanks, Mom!).

The same holds true for moms who are household organizers and in control of their kids' schedules; we rely on technology to stay informed and keep organized (I love my iCal and I actually need to return to really using my daily schedule, which allots certain blocks for screen time.) Last fall Madeline played soccer, and I never received a phone call from any of her coaches. Instead, they communicated everything via email.

As a homeschooling mom, I'm extremely grateful for the vast resources available to me on the Web. However, the fact that technology is necessary, everywhere, and provides access to infinite information makes it more challenging to strike the right balance.

The same reader who shared her thoughts on the problem with multitasking said she and her husband have discussed buying Smartphones and have decided against getting them, partly because it would only increase the temptation to constantly be connected and to miss out on the realness of life.

So many of us carry our Smartphones with us. We have a computer (or even computers!) in our homes. We log on to the Internet just to research the Palaeozaic Era for our budding paleontologist, but then we fall down the rabbit hole of information. Our curiosity gets the best of us just because there's so much tantalizing information sucking us in. What could have taken 15 minutes ends up being 45 minutes and you've somehow ended up on a site with the inside scoop on the latest summer fashion trends, which obviously has nothing to do with Dimetrodons roaming the land.

One of the reasons food addictions are so difficult to master is because food is essential to living and also an integral part of gathering and celebrating together with our family and community. Technology is becoming like food. We need it to be successful and to raise our children in this digital age, but we should be the ones controlling it, not the other way around. This becomes tough - especially when we carry around a Smartphone at all times. Consider a glutton recovering from a food addiction carrying around a chocolate bar in her pocket everywhere she went. This would demand more self-denial than if she could close her fridge or toss out the chocolate bar after she left the restaurant.

Technology makes us feel less isolated.

Motherhood is often a solitary job, especially when you're in the season of motherhood I'm in and are often at home alone with little ones. In times past, moms sought a sense of community beyond the walls of their homes. I remember talking to an older woman in her seventies who remembers having afternoon tea time with ladies in her neighborhood while their children played together. This was an opportunity for moms to connect. The speed of life, suburbia, the death of a true sense of community make it more difficult for these informal, in-the-flesh gatherings.

Nowadays we're just a click away from meeting new "friends." The computer - from online discussion boards to emailing friends - can provide a wide social outlet. I know one veteran mom who's very involved in online communities who says she wishes she had this when she was the mom of young children because she often felt lonely. I agree that technology and the Internet in particular can facilitate friendships and offer encouragement for moms, but there's a temptation to peg ourselves as social butterflies just because we're "chatting" with lots of e-friends - even if we don't make one single real human connection on a given day (or worse, week!).

As I prepare to leave my current community and the real life friends I've grown to love over the past several years, there's a part of me that is anxious about moving to a new town and having to start all over to build new friendships. Thankfully, I quickly discovered a homeschooling message board and then a conscious parenting Yahoo group all with local ties to our new home. It's been very helpful and has made me aware of resources in the area and also made me feel like I already have some new friends. And, yet, I've never met any of these women. I'm sure I will once we move, but I'll have to make the effort and not get lazy or think I'm connected just because I have a few new email buddies. We can't fool ourselves into thinking we have a sense of community just because we have 233 friends on Facebook or "talk" to people on Twitter or message boards.

Technology makes us feel productive even when, in reality, we're wrestling with sloth.

Sally Thomas had an excellent post related to this. She wrote, "I wonder about time spent staring at a screen for any reason. Obviously I do it, and I'm really not gearing myself to stop (relax, O faithful remnant). But it seems to me that it becomes a kind of pseudo-routine which supplants real routines, which of course are the bane of the acedic. I get up in the morning and check my email, for example -- before and often instead of saying the Morning Office. A problem? I think so. I spend half an hour writing away at my novel, and then half an hour glancing for a second at Facebook. A problem? Well, it's not like I have half-hours to throw away."

I've never thought of myself as someone who had to worry about sloth. I'm a worker bee. I get things done. But a few months ago as I was dredging myself from the mires of depression, I remember thinking, "Oh, this is all too much. I just can't do it all, so why even try?" So there were days when I didn't bother to take a shower. Now I'm not judging any mom of little ones who doesn't bathe regularly. There are days when it really is tough to find time to groom. However, there were some days when I avoided showering or some other task that seemed pointless or boring and, yet, somehow I still managed to find time to read a favorite blog.

As I've been praying about the future of my online presence, I've realized that idleness is not found only in doing nothing but also in doing things other than what is demanded of us in the office of our life. The trouble is if we've posted several witty entries on our blog or sent messages to our favorite Facebook friends or launched an engaging conversation in our favorite social network, we might convince ourselves that we're being productive. Look at all these words I've put out there, all these people I've connected with today. But if I'm putting other necessary, albeit boring duties on the backburner, then I'm still guilty of sloth. We often can't measure what we do as wives and mothers; there's no software to gauge your success as a parent. But our work - even the most tedious tasks like removing crud from the high chair - is so very important.

Consider the good wife of Proverbs 31. She's one industrious lady. "She obtains wool and flax and makes cloth with skillful hands. Like merchant ships, she secures her provisions from afar. She rises while it is still night, and distributes food to her household." Those are just few of the duties she embraces without complaint. Never does she bemoan the frustrations and the inconveniences of working so hard. Never does she say, "Well, I'll make those coverlets just as soon as I throw away 30 minutes on Twitter."

Technology can have a healthy, helpful role in our lives. I really believe that, but we can't use technology like blogging, social networking, emailing, etc. or for that matter, any pastime we pursue - no matter how busy it makes us feel - to merely be an escape from the ennui of motherhood.

What about you? Why do you think a lot of people and moms in particular struggle with putting technology in its place?

*And for those of you who don't blog, don't care about technology but just happen to occasionally like to see only the most flattering photos of my kids, I promise to return to my regularly scheduled content soon. :-)

Yet Another "Technology is the Source of Angst" Post

I had a lot of free time today, thanks to playtime with Pop. My husband's father is retired and had been coming weekly to play with the girls while I crept upstairs to write. Then he got sick and landed himself in the hospital for a few days. He's getting better, but his recovery has left him feeling weak and tired. Since running after three kiddos five and under makes anyone feel weak and tired, I recommend starting out strong and full vigor. But he wanted to come; he missed spending time with the girls. So today he arrived with a khaki knapsack brimming with books and a few tasty treats.

I hadn't realized how much his visits meant to me until I no longer had them. Neither had the girls. My oldest begged for Pop to stay. And even though the baby needed mama every now and then and Rae sneaked up to my room a few times and sat beside me while I typed, they all had so much fun having an indoor picnic, a pretend tea party, and hearing stories about giants in magical lands.

While they enjoyed each other's company, I was able to catch up on some book writing. I'm working on the toughest two chapters. The rest of the book has come out fairly easily, but these chapters have been more difficult. There have been many starts and stops as well as blog and Facebook breaks, I'm afraid.

Actually, today I found myself squandering time by engaging in a conversation after my most recent feature at Faith & Family LIVE! I responded to someone who had commented, closed the screen, pulled up my book again, and went back to the work I'd set out to accomplish while I had helping hands around. But then I had another idea pop into my head about the comment, so I went back to the combox and noticed I'd accidentally made a gross grammatical error - the kind that makes me cringe when I read it. So I left another comment correcting it, and I forgot about why I'd revisited the site in the first place. (Yes, my 14-month-old is still nursing throughout the night leading to brain sludge.) Then I went back to my book, wrote a few more sentences, read what I'd written, thought it was about as interesting as watching NASCAR (my apologies to any NASCAR fans out there), and decided to check out my Google Reader. There I discovered post after post questioning whether technology is a blessing or a burden. I read Does My Blackberry Make Me a Bad Parent? (HT: Elizabeth Foss) and this passage screamed out at me:

It was a Saturday, and he and I were walking down the street, ostensibly together. I was answering a text.

My son sighed loudly with an “Uch." I looked up, innocently.

“What?” I said.

He just shook his head. “You look at that thing more than you look at my face," he said sadly.

I wondered how many of us technology-tethered moms have made our children feel this way even if they haven't said so much. My kids haven't ever said anything like that, but my daughter did recently declare, "You and Daddy sure do love your iPhones."

At the time, I chuckled and told her we appreciated them because they made our life easier, but I didn't love my iPhone like I loved her or her Daddy or even a good piece of dark chocolate. But after I read the blackberry article as well as another thought-provoking post from Betty Duffy, I wondered what kind of messages we send our kids by constantly being connected.

I also began to sift through my memory to determine if my daughter had ever out of the blue said anything remotely close to, "You sure do love God."

I'm not sure she has.

That makes me sad. It also forces me to take a look at what I'm doing to show my kids what my priorities in life are. I can give my family and my faith all the lip-service I want, but if I'm glued to my iPhone when my child is grasping for my attention or if I'm reading "religious" blogs instead of spending more time in prayer, something isn't right. Actually, nothing is right.

I'm sorry if this post is redundant. I keep coming back to the topic of being a present mom and how technology might interfere with that. And, yes, my love-hate relationship with technology is a recurring theme.

Aside from the ability to be connected all day, thanks to my iPhone, I now write almost strictly for online media. This didn't used to be the case. I can't give up writing. I have a compulsion to write, to piece together words and phrases; yet, sometimes I wonder if the Internet is the best medium for me to do this. After writing a few more sentences for my book today, I started perusing my old fiction folder and discovered short stories I'd written that had never made it to the Internet. My writing was honest. I wasn't writing for an interactive audience that could instantly reject or celebrate my words. I was writing fiction. I miss fiction. I'd probably have time to write more fiction if I didn't spend so much time interacting with readers in the combox or correcting my stupid typos.

One particular piece of old fiction my eyes stumbled upon was never read by anyone else. Yet, even if I did decide to submit it to some literary journal, I wouldn't have to worry about multiple rejections as I do when I write for the Web. In my print journalism days, I'd write a query and then either it would be accepted or rejected. If my idea was accepted, I'd write the piece, it would be published, and that was it. I might receive some feedback, but it was nothing like it is now that I write for the Internet. It took more of an effort for someone to write me a letter or even find my email address, and shoot me an email. It wasn't interactive. I also couldn't self-edit what I'd written. There were a few columns that ended up in print that made me wince. I'd see ways I could have tightened up the piece. New images or words might surface that perhaps would have been more powerful. But what was written was written. There was no point in second guessing myself.

The interactivity of online writing sets you up for second guessing yourself. It sets others up for second guessing you, too. An editor can accept your work, but others might not, and it's terribly easy for them to let you know just what they think. Click on the hyperlinked email address, and you can point out all of the author's erroneous beliefs. Type in that cryptic security code, and you can praise the writing or critique it. It's all very impulsive. There's often no filter. It's open-ended. There's always more to say, edits you can make, clarifications. You can write sloppy because you know in the back of your mind you can go back and correct yourself. You can put solipsistic, whiny posts out there and then delete them once you've recovered from your state of ridiculous introspection. (Perhaps this post will - poof! - disappear.) The instant feedback, the instant gratification as well as the instant degradation, all those free flowing ideas - it can just be too much.

Maybe it's just me. Maybe other moms are able to strike the perfect balance, but I find it interesting that I discovered so many posts about the downside of technology. We're spending time using technology to ponder whether technology is helpful or hurtful.

Meanwhile, our kids are growing up.

Like so much in life, the Internet, blogging, discussion boards, participation in a combox are not inherently bad. Technology is not a blessing or a burden. It just is. Many technological moms have mastered the the virtue of temperance. I'm not sure I have. And, honestly, I'm not sure if I should keep trying or put the kibosh on this whole blog.

There. I said it. It's been weighing on my heart for months now. To blog or not to blog? Should I just limit myself to one post a week? But what if one of my kids says something really funny? I want to document these precious years. But I also want to live them. Should I just promise not to respond in any combox after any article I write even if I could provide additional information to a reader or even if I'm burning to defend my worldview? How do I find that balance? If you're a blogging and/or iPhone/Blackberry equipped and/or journalist with an online presence and/or Facebooking and/or Twitter mom, how do you find that balance? (Look at me: Making a demand for your sacred time.)

The last time I was seriously considering ditching the blog, I randomly received the most gracious note from a reader asking me to never stop blogging because my words offered her encouragement as a wife and mother. And the kudos wasn't from my mom either, but a stranger who had taken the time to thank me for using my time to encourage her. That was enough to keep me (and my ego) writing on this online forum. Maybe I can make a difference and use technology and blogging to give God the glory.

But today I read this passage over at Betty Duffy:

...one of our camping companions, a liberal arts professor, who spends his summers attempting publication in academic journals, expressed a serious amount of distaste for all the women spinning their wheels trying to keep up a blog—something so transient, so inconsequential, so self-oriented. “What are your fans doing while you’re gone this weekend?” he asked, “Did you leave a note so no one would freak out?”

And I wondered if I was putting too much stock in my handful of fans rather than considering God's call for my family or even what my husband wants. He doesn't get the whole blog thing. He enjoys my features and columns, but blogging is different. It is all too voyeuristic to him. He also sees me trying to juggle a million things at once and points out that blogging is an easy ball to drop. But I enjoy it (most of the time). Many times it's reading others' blogs that's the source of my consternation. My husband also was the one who pointed out once that all these uber blogging moms who write about being full-time moms aren't really full-time moms. They're working moms. Maybe part-time working moms, but they're devoting a big chunk of their time to doing something other than raising their kids. He wasn't suggesting this was bad. Nor was he intending to make me feel guilty for blogging. My writing (not my blogging, mind you, but my freelance work) made it possible for me to stay home during his medical training. My husband understands my need to write and is happy I'm able to have Pop come over and play with our girls on occasion. He knows I'm not depriving my kids and am an attentive mom who takes her job of nurturing her children very seriously. He just doesn't want me to put unnecessary pressure on myself or to wonder why I can't be more like so-and-so mom who always has pithy Tweets on Twitter, writes witty posts that never have typos, and engages in thoughtful combox discussions. I'm not an uber blogger, and I probably never will be. Partly because I'm obviously not very good at finding balance. So many women have to struggle to find a balance between motherhood and work. But blogging - whether I'm reading a blog or writing on my own blog - is not mandatory work. I don't have trouble putting a novel down when I'm sleepy. I shouldn't have trouble walking away from the glowing screen of my computer or iPhone either. Once a week I do fast from technology and I don't miss it. Sometimes I want more time away from it all. If I don't write for a few days, I miss writing. But I don't miss the computer. I miss the act of writing.

Awhile back, my spiritual director had encouraged me to keep writing/blogging when pockets of time became available. If it was God's will for me to write, I would be gifted with time.

Sometimes, though, I make my own time at the expense of my family. I might stay up too late leaving me more sluggish in the morning. I might forgo a sweat session that would leave me feeling healthy and refreshed just because something "bloggable" happened to me today. I might squander time that was given to me.

I recently had a mom I was interviewing for a future article drop me a quick line about something she needed to provide me with before I could wrap up the assignment. The mom mentioned her kids' ages and expressed concern about finding the time to write something up. Her three kids were around my kids' ages. She mentioned how she could not synchronize nap times and that quiet time was hit or miss. (The same holds true for me.) Then she said she was always very, very tired in the evenings. (The same holds true for me.) She stated all of this as fact. There were no apologies. She seemed to have accepted the phase of life she was in as well as her own limitations. She said she didn't have all that much time for email or online things. She obviously used technology since we were emailing, but she put it in its place, and she recognized that no amount of technology was going to change her into a Super Woman. Sometimes that's what I want from my email inbox, my online writing, and my iPhone. I want to be able to do more, and at times, be more.

God wants me to be happy with less. I want to be happy with less. Just how I make that happen, I'm not sure.

---

UPDATE: There's an interesting discussion following Betty Duffy's Disembodied by Technology post that has me thinking. Betty poses the question: "Is blogging self-care?" For me, I'm not sure. Writing is self-care, but publishing my words and ramblings online? The jury's still out.

She also writes in the combox: "Other internet dependence factors: the onslaught of a low-grade depression over the past few months, whereby other labors like gardening and house-cleaning seem futile and pointless, and the internet, though also futile and pointless to some extant, provides just the tiniest bit of a buzz."

My regular readers know I've been grappling with postpartum depression. Ironically, it started last summer - the same time some of my posts and thoughts questioning the worth of blogging started to surface. Coincidence? I'm thinking not. The instant feedback and gratification I mentioned above offered me, at times, the "tiniest bit of buzz" when I was submerged in my postpartum darkness. But that buzz was fleeting (like any buzz), so I sought more buzzes. Then I felt guilty for seeking the wrong kind of buzz.

I'm wondering if detachment - not complete obliteration - is the solution. When we learn to detach ourselves from food, we can't give up eating completely. We have to learn to eat to live instead of living to eat. As an e-friend suggested, it might be easier to just quit blogging altogether rather than cultivate the virtue of temperance and find balance. But maybe I need to take the more challenging route and learn to use technology wisely, prudently. Or maybe I'm just rationalizing because I selfishly don't want to stop blogging.

Rejection, Writing, and Motherhood

This post is for moms, writers, and writing moms. (And writer dads, too, if you're out there.)

From time to time friends or blog readers ask for advice on writing (that is, getting paid to write).  I have a generic response in which I share some of my favorite resources and tips for writing a quality pitch or query letter. Then I tell the aspiring writer that nothing can teach you how to write or how to become a writer better than simply writing. I know, I know. That's not very original advice, but it's absolutely true. Sure, pursuing a journalism degree in college taught me a thing or two as did my job history working on-staff at a regional publication and my past medical writing and corporate/PR gigs (those actually taught me the kinds of things I don't enjoy writing). However, I learned and continue to learn the most from just putting myself out there. It's similar to mothering, actually. You can read every book on the shelf about child development and rearing, but the best way to learn how to be a mom is to become one. (More on how mothering and writing are alike in a moment.)

So that's what I always encourage aspiring writers to do: Put yourself out there. Write. Send out queries. If you're writing fiction, try to find an agent. Network with other writers and publishers. Blog if you find it helps your craft, or journal the old-fashioned way. Just keep writing, and reading, too. What we learn as readers - from what captivates us to what rivals Ambien in sleep-inducing potency - we use as writers.

After I deliver my freelance writing pep talk, I bring up something every writer fears: Rejection. If you want to be a published writer, you will face rejection. Count on it.

In the beginning, you'll likely see more rejections than "yes, we'd love to publish your article/book." It takes time to build relationships with editors as well as to build a clip file (AKA samples of your published work). Even after you've had a flurry of success, you'll still face rejection from time to time.

A few months ago I received a very nice email from an editor letting me know he was going to pass on a submission I'd passed along to him. In an obsessive moment (writers I can be a self-absorbed, over-analyzing bunch person), I reread my submission. No wonder he'd said, "No thanks." It was stale. That's been happening a lot lately. I'll blame it on a one-year-old who has slept through the night twice in her entire existence on this earth (if your baby's been sleeping through the night since six weeks, do not share your dreamy bliss with me. Have mercy on a poor, sleep-deprived soul).

Yet, as I've told fellow writers before, words, like babies, should not be forced out before they're ready.

In retrospect, the essay wasn't atrocious, but it was missing something critical: My voice. Lately, I've found myself in a bit of a writing rut. Forget the little mouse and cookies and milk bit. If you give a writer a deadline (and I have a big one coming up), they will forget how to write anything worth reading. Oh, she'll Twitter. She'll scrub toilets. She'll shoot off witty emails, but sit down and write something cerebral and/or meaningful? Forget about it.

Anyway, as I sit staring at a glaring, white screen, wondering why I can't think of anything - anything - to write, I start to think that maybe I should reinvent myself. I pick up a book from a favorite author, or I mosey on over to a blog that I love reading. That's it! I need to sound more like so-and-so. I write something I think is just great, but it's not me. It's precisely when I start trying to be something I'm not that my words begin to sound empty or forced or purple.

So I get rejected, and it stinks. It always does. I hated it when I was the nerd in sixth grade with the horrible perm, braces, and hairy legs (Mom wouldn't let me shave until I was 14; I have girls now and understand, Mom. Why was I in such a hurry to grow up?). You'd think after years of nerdiness and sending out queries and accumulating a pile of rejection letters, I'd get used to it. But I haven't. I hate it.

I know I'm not supposed to take it personally. Just like you're supposed to know your teenager doesn't really mean it when she shrieks, "I hate you!" (Not that my lovely, little ladies will ever, ever do that, although my five-year-old has started telling me, "You've ruined my day!" when I do something as horrible as insisting she has to have quiet time or has to stop jumping, lest she break her other arm). The audacity!). You know your children really do love you (the editor might not, but she may very well like you), but it still stings.

Now while I'm not suggesting bringing new words forth is half as miraculous as bringing new life into the world, my writing is a part of me, sometimes a prosaic part of me, but a part of me nonetheless. I don't just write a story (fiction is my first love) or piece together an essay, I give birth to it.

So imagine the angst, when, after hours of exhausting labor, the doctor (editor) slowly shakes her head and says, “Your baby is ugly."

You’re shocked. “No, it can’t be ugly,” you insist. “This is a part of me; that's my bloody heart and soul in your arms.”

To you, that baby is nothing short of perfection. It doesn't matter that she has three eyes. You don’t see that extra eyeball even when it’s staring right at you.

Later you probably do. (That's why writers are supposed to let their work marinate on the paper or screen before sending it off, but that's becoming tougher with the growth of Internet markets since there's a push to deliver timely content.)

Yes, after the euphoria of labor and clicking "save" on your computer wanes, like when I reread my most recent essay, you see that your "baby" isn't perfect. But it's not a complete lost cause either. And neither are you. (Besides, perfect is overrated. Perfect can be a bit boring, especially when it applies to children. I prefer children with personalities and wills - even if the battle of my will against theirs can be fierce at times.)

A few weeks ago I had an ugly mom moment, and I'm still having a hard time forgiving myself even though my daughters haven't given the incident any further thought. We were running late for a dentist appointment. The girls were dawdling and not listening. I was exasperated and tired from a rough night with the baby. I started barking orders. We all ended up on the verge of tears. It was not a pretty sight. Although I don't condone my kids' failure to listen to me, part of our problem is that I wasn't organized. I should have been more prepared for the rushed morning.

Maybe I've glamorized the past, but I don't remember having too many (any?) of these moments in my inaugural year of motherhood. Maybe because I was in denial; I was still in the "My newborn is beautiful" phase. But now I see that I'm the imperfect mom of imperfect children. These days, it's only when I expect my kiddos or myself to be perfect when we get in to trouble. (The aforementioned episode happened when Mommy and kids all revealed their humanness.)

So what am I getting at?

Bear with me: Remember I'm in a writing rut! :-)

I've just been thinking (way too much, obviously) about how both mothering and writing involve putting yourself out there, making yourself vulnerable as well as realizing you're not in control and you're definitely not perfect. You can be a great, nurturing mother, and your child still is going to let you down.

You can write your magnum opus, and it's still probably going to get rejected a few times before you land a book contract.

You can write a shoddy first-draft that somehow gets published any way.

You can goof big time and wound your child; yet, she wraps her arms around you and says, "I love you," or better yet, "I forgive you."

There's a certain risk involved in writing - and parenting. You will, at times, be rejected. Sometimes you'll be rewarded when you don't deserve it (my mom and dad often told me they learned early on to not take credit for the good their children did so they wouldn't have to take credit for the bad either). Your ego will be bruised. It will always hurt a little bit when someone shuns you (whether it's an editor or an angry teenager or in my case a melodramatic little girl). Sometimes it will make you wince. Sometimes you might shrug it off or even keep a good sense of humor and laugh at your writing and/or parental blunders.

What it always should do is force you to work on being better: A better person, a better writer. Not perfect, but an improved version of YOU. You are fearfully, wonderfully made. Your children are, too. And so are your words, but let them be your words, your voice and not anyone else's. Let your parenting style be your style and not Dr. Cry-It-Out or Dr. Kumbaya's.

As a writer, I used to keep my rejections as a reminder to be tenacious and to keep on pitching new ideas. As a mom, I used to think way too much about every single parenting choice I made - from what I fed my child to what books I read to them at bedtime - and how it would impact my child for better or worse. When my child misbehaved, I took it as a reflection of my parenting skills. When an editor rejected a pitch, it was absolutely because I was a lousy writer. I never considered that #1 it was just one lousy piece of writing or #2 it wasn't lousy at all, but the timing or topic just wasn't right for the publication.

These days I no longer keep a stash of rejections. I no longer obsess (constantly) over every parental move I make. I've learned to not dwell on my failures and stumbles and rejections. Nor do I see them as a sweeping declaration that my writing stinks or that I'm a mommy in need of remedial action.

But I don't completely forget them either. It's those rejections, those maternal mishaps that keep me humble. It's those unplanned moments when my kids surprise me with goodness (or completely bizarro behavior complete with flailing arms and pterodactyl screeching) that remind me that my children have wills of their own - wills that I cannot bend or break, but that I can, with the grace of God and a whole lot of prayers, help shape.

One of my big goals for this year is to stop comparing myself to others - other writers, other moms - and to just work on improving myself. I want to keep my voice in my writing. I want to be the kind of mom I feel called to be.

I've always loved the conclusion of Charlotte's Web when E.B. White (I'm on E.B. White kick lately) writes, "It is not often that someone comes along who is both a true friend and a good writer. Charlotte was both."

I'd like to hope that someday I might be considered both - a true friend to my husband, my children, all those I love and maybe, if I work hard and I'm lucky, a good writer, too.

If you enjoyed this post, get free updates by email or RSS.

Raising Little Scribes

You can read my latest feature at Faith & Family LIVE: Encouraging Creative Writing: Four Ways to Inspire Your Kids.

What a Year!

2009 has been a year of many blessings.

There was this sweet baby.

Oh, and then news of a family members reversion and a calling.

Then there’s my husband’s new job. That's right! After nine years of medical training, my husband will be earning R.D. degree - as in real doctor (I did not coin this phrase; Lisa Hendey of Catholic Mom is the one who recently congratulated my husband on his R.D. degree). Forget the M.D. Sure, it was exciting for my husband to graduate medical school, but there was so much left to learn. There still is. He’ll never stop learning. But on July 1st, he'll be a resident no longer. Woo-hoo!!!

This spring, we'll be putting our townhome on the market. Then we’ll be gearing up to move from the chaos of the city (no more heinous Atlanta traffic!) to a more bucolic kind of town (we'll have a yard! Our own yard!!!!). Best of all, our new town isn’t far from extended family.

When my husband began the job search, he kept hearing how tight the market was. I worried. He didn’t.

Then people said doomsday kind of things about how he won’t be able to take care of patients the way he wants because of Uncle Sam. I worried. He didn’t. In fact, I once asked him what all the doctors he knew were saying about all of the health care hoopla. “We’re too busy taking care of patients to talk about it,” he said simply.

In this tough market, he was offered some amazing jobs (a testament to the years of hard work he has invested) - some far, far, far away from our extended family. I worried about making the right decision. He didn’t. “You can’t put a price tag on being close to family.”

He’s like Yoda, except he’s over six feet tall and doesn’t speak in strange syntax. But the no-frills-kind-of-wisdom is definitely there.

He gives great gifts, too, like this (much better than the Force). “So you can write that book of yours at coffee shops.”

I am one lucky woman.

Have I mentioned I’m writing a book? I mean, officially. I received a signed contract one week before Christmas.

The blessings are just too many. There’s no need to count them. They’re everywhere.

My dad’s license plate on his car has three simple letters: TYG. I’m sure people think those are his initials. They aren’t. My dad is driving around a gratitude-mobile. TYG stands for “Thank You, God.”

Perhaps I should tattoo myself with TYG to say thanks for my life’s bounty. Then again, maybe I’ll just show my gratitude by ceasing to worry and to simply put my trust in my husband and God as we forge forward and face all of the exciting changes ahead of us.

2009 has been a great year indeed. I can hardly wait for 2010.

Happy New Year!

Thank you God for my many gifts. Help me to never stop showing my gratitude even when things aren’t so rosy. May I learn to always set my eyes on the light at the end of the tunnel no matter how dark it may seem at times. TYG!

Back on my Soapbox Again

If you're one of my regular readers, then you probably already know how I feel about children - even the smallest ones - being included in worship. Well, I just won't keep quiet about it. I was recently interviewed for Wall Street Journal article on the topic. You can read "Seen and Not Heard" here.

Priorities

Today I'm over at Sarah's space discussing how I attempt to balance writing projects with the rest of my life. (Not so easy lately, which explains my sparse blog this week.)

I should mention that I'm approaching the topic of writing and blogging as someone whose writing is not only her hobby but also her trade. Likewise, when I discus writing for free, I'm referring to freelance writing projects where I either pitch an idea or completed manuscript to an editor or someone approaches me to write something for a media outlet.

Finally, it's my hope that some of my writing (especially blogging) might in some small way give glory to God (though a tweet yesterday about getting pooped on not once but twice might be stretching it!).

Blogging About Blogging

Today I'm blogging about, well, blogging at Just Another Day of Catholic Pondering. Thanks again to Sarah for inviting me to guest blog over at her place.

Inspiration for Writing

I'm back over at Sarah's place today discussing where I find inspiration for some of the things I write. Hope to see you over there!

Writing and Motherhood

Sarah Reinhard, who is both a friend and a writer I admire, recently invited me to ponder several questions about writing and motherhood and to ramble share my insight with her readers over at her lovely (and recently revamped) blog Just Another Day of Catholic Pondering. My hope is that my pondering is saving her from doing some of her own pondering (which she does so well) and to ease her reentry back into her work at her parish.

Today I explore the intersection of my writing and mothering lives. This is a timely question because right now being a good or just plain functional mom means I have very little time to write. Take this weekend. I had all these plans to sit down and piece together prose. There were so many embryonic thoughts floating around in my mind that I wanted to develop. But then the baby got the sniffles. Then I started feeling lousy. Taking care of the baby and myself moved to the top of my to-do list, and all those ideas were shelved somewhere in my brain. Not to mention, when I do actually have a small pocket of time to devote to writing, I've recently been cursed with a bad case of writer's block and usually end up staring at the screen or the blank page of a journal trying to force the words to come out. Yet, I've found that words, like babies, come best in God's time.

Ah, but enough of this. Now won't you stop by Sarah's place? She's the perfect hostess, and I'm thrilled (not to mention humbled) to be over there this week.

Negative Energy

I don't have time for negative energy now or ever. You know the kind of energy you devote to either responding to someone who disagrees with you or to worrying over the troll lurking in the combox after a post. Then there's your own personal negative energy that's like a force field around you, deflecting all the happiness that's all around you every day, but you're just too wrapped up in your grey storm cloud to see it. (As an aside, I loved how Elizabeth Foss, in her typically honest and eloquent way, recently wrote about not blogging about yucky stuff and how her archives prove just how lovely so many of her days have been.)

I used to only write for secular publications. In recent years, I frequently write for Catholic markets. I feel very fulfilled writing about what I'm (trying) to live. But I also feel conflicted, especially when other Christians don't agree with me. I naively assumed I'd mostly be preaching to the choir. It's been difficult for me to see Christians not acting like Christians. Once there was even a comment in response to some of the vitriol seeping in the comments after an article I wrote that simply said this is why I'm thankful to be an atheist. Truly, truly sad. They'll know we are Christians - for better or worse - by our blog or by the comments we leave after a post or an article we don't agree with. Something to always keep in mind. (Jennifer Fulwiler of Conversion Diary wrote the article "Google and Ye Shall Find" about the role the Internet plays in evangelization - definitely worth the read.)

I also sometimes feel insecure putting something as personal as my faith or my marriage or how I approach motherhood out there on the dissection table for people to pick apart. This is likely due to my own spiritual (and perhaps age-wise) immaturity. And also my vanity. I care way too much about what others think. Sometimes I simply can't understand why others don't embrace my world view (very vain of me. I know, I know.). I take things too personally. I don't particularly like to play with fire, but something (the Holy Spirit perhaps?) keeps handing me the matches and so I end up writing about controversial things (even when I don't realize they're controversial until after I'm faced with a deluge of comments questioning my logic or worse, my faith).

(Before I go any further, I'm not talking about this blog. This is, for the most part, a safe haven for me, although I have considered closing comments. My root sins are pride and vanity. But I have no time to pander to either defects in my personality - even when the comments are mostly all positive.)

I don't ever want to come off as sanctimonious but sometimes despite my best intentions (or perhaps my own personal blindness to how my pride sneaks its way into my writing) people are offended by what I've written. That hurts. Of course, when the feedback is positive, my heart soars (quite possibly a little too high). Funny thing is when I did write for secular markets, I never received anything but kudos. It's only been since I've been writing for a Christian audience that I've had to take the brunt of some pretty harsh words (and even a few hate emails).

I don't like to receive dissenting (or hateful) emails. I'm a people-pleaser (back to my vanity again), but I have to keep reminding myself that I need to be a God-pleaser first.

Am I suggesting everything I write and put out there pleases God? Absolutely not. In fact, I wish the Holy Spirit would make it a little more obvious on what it is exactly that I'm supposed to write. And sometimes others' dissenting opinions, when revealed with charity, encourage me to look at things differently or to see that maybe I was being a bit obtuse or prideful or holier-than-thou.

Then there are times (and I realize I'm being really vague here about mentioning specifics; again, it comes down to energy - energy I don' have to devote to spelling out too many details) when I'm reminded that maybe this is why God started nagging me so long ago to broach Christian markets (I resisted for a long, long time). God wanted me to step out of my comfort zone. What's easier isn't always better for him, my family, or my soul.

I recently told my mom how I'd been thinking of abandoning writing about tough topics. I was growing weary of all of the controversy I seemed to incite with every word I put out there (again not on this blog but in other outlets). Yet, as I was thinking aloud to my patiently listening mom, I realized that maybe when I was, for example, pulled from the cozy world of writing about why I love my babies so much to sharing about why I parent my babies a certain way or why I try to be open to God's plan for babies (whom I most certainly love but who do require a whole lot of graces to nurture) is when I was truly answering Christ's call to fearless evangelization.

"Christ was the most controversial person of all time," my mom reminded me when I took a breath during my lengthy "coming-to-Jesus" monologue.

Mom was right again.

While I still don't have time to be sucked into responding to any negative energy that comes my way (either in myself or from others), I have to keep answering God's call. Of course, right now I have an inkling his call is to "slack off" on some of my writing endeavors and be a wife to my husband and a mother to my children.

In all areas of my life, whether I'm worried about the nasty look someone shoots at my aria-singing toddler and me during Mass or about an email from someone who didn't like what I had to say about something, I must crucify my vanity and pride on the cross.

I'll always have a deep yearning to be loved - this desire is a part of the human condition - but I don't need this love to come in the form of everyone supporting everything I write or even in the kind comments so many readers leave on this blog. That love is already there. From God. When it's all said and done (and don't worry: this rambling post is almost all said and done), if I'm truly doing God's will, then I don't have to defend myself to anyone at anytime. I can instead divert my energy to asking the Spirit to mold me into the image of Christ so that I can be a better witness to my family and beyond.

Have a happy and safe Fourth!

Squeezing in Writing Time

A fellow mom and blogger recently emailed me and asked for tips on how I marble writing into my life with two little ones underfoot and another one on her way. The short answer: Not always very well. Frankly, I sometimes stay up way too late (a decision I usually regret come morning).

Now here’s the long and hopefully more helpful answer, based on a response I once gave to Kathy over at the The Ten Minute Writer.

• I don’t watch much TV. My husband and I try to watch 24 together, and we occasionally watch movies for date nights, but I don’t have a regular TV-viewing habit. (Since recently splurging on cable television, I have periodically started watching the Food Network, but I usually combine this time with exercise.) I’m determined to not get hooked on any other series (24 is a staple) because resisting the urge to zone out in front of the boob tube in the evenings goes a long way in freeing up writing time.

• I block out computer time for writing only. When it’s time to write, I make a rule of closing my browser and staying in MS Word to prevent me from Googling when I’m supposed to be writing. The Internet – even more so than TV – is a huge devourer of time. I often wonder what I did before Al Gore invented this amazing portal of limitless information that’s just a few key strokes away. (Write more, perhaps?) The Dewey Decimal System does sound vaguely familiar.

• I write on the go. I stash journals everywhere and squeeze in short spurts of writing when I can. I have one in my purse, downstairs, and several upstairs in my bedroom. I also have a prayer journal and notebooks devoted to each child where I scribble down cute anecdotes, etc. I guess I’m sort of a journal addict. Jotting down ideas in journals is important because I often only have small pockets of time between diaper changes, crafts with a big mess-factor, meals and snacks (also with big mess factors), naps, and trips to the zoo. Inspiration can strike at any time. Anne Lamott, author of Bird by Bird (one of my fave writing books) uses a notecard system. She always has notecards on hand and puts down ideas, quotes she overhears, anything embryonic thought that might develop into something more in the future. When I’m really in a time crunch, I sometimes say my ideas aloud into a small tape recorder (the same one I use for interviews) to be transcribed later - like in 20 years when all my kids are almost completely self-sufficient.

• I ask for help. I didn’t use to be too good at this, but I’m getting better. I have a wonderful father-in-law who is retired and loves to play with the girls, so I let him. He stops by about twice month and plays with the girls for a few hours, and this is one chunk of time I often devote to writing. After the kiddos are asleep, I occasionally bail ship (armed with my laptop) and leave Daddy in charge and treat myself to a latte at a coffee shop. Speaking of Dad, I’ve turned one of the downsides to being marrying to a busy medical resident to my writing advantage. Dave works a lot of crazy hours – sometimes nights and many weekends. When he's around, I often put writing on the backburner (unless I have a pressing freelance deadline) so we can spend time together. But since he is MIA so much, I do have more time alone to clobber away at the keyboard. (I'm often more "vocal" in Blogville when he's working long hours since "talking" with other bloggers gets me my fix for adult interaction.)

• I try to get up early before my kids wake up. TRY is the operative word. As a very-pregnant mom, it’s not always easy for me to drag myself out of bed and I don’t beat myself up if I decide to be lazy. Likewise, I've found my kids often can sense when Mom's up, so I don't often have much alone time in the morning. That's why I make it a habit to pray first before turning on the computer or picking up a journal. If I have time to write before the kids find me, great. If not, then it will just have to wait. Starting my morning in prayer sets the tone for my entire day – and it’s a more peaceful tone than if this quiet time with God falls by the wayside.

• Quiet time and nap time for my kids are non-negotiable. My toddler still naps; the preschooler rarely does (and never really did), but she still has to have quiet time. I try to catch up on many things during this mommy break, including writing. However, lately I’ve had to forgo writing to rest myself. I’ve definitely hit the tired phase of pregnancy.

• I'm a realist. I try to not put pressure on myself to produce great tomes or award-worthy journalism. I don’t devote nearly as much time to shooting off queries or landing assignments that require extensive research or lengthy interviews since child #2 came along. I still write occasional features, but these days I try to stick to personal essays or work that is easier on a tired mommy (and her children). I’ve found faith-based publications to be very parent-friendly as a general rule. (My dream job would be a regular and paid blogging gig. If you know of anyone who's hiring, drop me an email!)

• I set small, reasonable writing goals. Along the same vein as the tip above, even if I don’t have any assignments brewing, I’ve got to write. When I don’t have any time to write, I feel out of sorts. On the flip side, if I start skimp on sleep in order to make time for writing or I get overly ambitious with my writing goals, then I start to feel overwhelmed, and writing begins to feel more like a chore or a stressor than a diversion. Generally, I aim to write for at least 20 minutes every day (many writers recommend writing around 300 words a day - I prefer setting a time limit over a word count). Even if I churn out garbage or simply a recount of the dance party the girls and I had in the living room, I keep writing. I have to; I have a compulsion to communicate. But that Great American Novel can wait; my kids sometimes can’t. They need a mom even when it’s not exactly convenient.

Finally, this isn’t really a tip for finding more time to write, but I feel it needs to be mentioned all the same. I’m often tempted to compare myself to other bloggers/freelance writers/moms, and the Internet makes it that much easier to do this. In just one click, I can enter the world of moms who seem to do so much better of a job than me at balancing motherhood and the writing and/or blogging life. They write eloquent, typo-free daily blog posts often while homeschooling a gaggle of kids and occasionally publishing an essay in a big media outlet. How do they do it? I might wonder. Or more often, what am I doing wrong?


But the truth is the only one we should be worrying about is ourselves. Likewise, we should be regularly assessing whether our writing (or whatever hobby/”side job” we pursue on top of mothering) is having any detrimental effect on our own or our family’s well-being.

Personally, I’ve always had an easier time with an "all or nothing" kind of approach to life. I like to pour myself into a project and be done with it; yet, I’ve found this is extremely difficult once you become a mom. Sometimes you have to stop your lovely prose mid-sentence to prevent your mobile baby from killing herself by shoving her fingers in the one electric socket you missed during Operation Childproof. I have a hard time doing anything without committing my life to it, but really, the only thing I should committing my life to is God and my family.

Some would say moms have to find a happy medium – or achieve balance, if you will. However, I resist applying that popular buzzword to my own life. Do we ever really find balance? Life is a constant seesawing between joy and sorrow, living in the present and looking toward the future, meeting our family's needs and finding some time to feed our own souls, etc., etc. What I need, above all, is the graces to deal with being unbalanced. And I’m not going to find that by reading another woman’s blog who makes me feel like a lousy mom and/or writer/blogger.

The Cliffs Notes version to all this verbosity? Write when you can (and you’ll have a lot more time if you stop obsessing over Flawless Uber Writer/Mom’s blog), and don’t beat yourself up or despair when you can’t or when what you do write is a jumbled mess.

Now I want to know: How do you find time to write and/or pursue another hobby or job amidst your life as a wife and mom?

For Writers

Two upcoming Web events have been brought to my attention, so I thought I'd share them here:

• From Patricia Punt, an experienced freelance writer and writing instructor:
  
  

  Here's a chance to get your writing questions answered. Peggy Frezon, a well-published freelance writer has agreed to answer any questions you might have about writing and marketing. The interview will appear in late November on "Dialogue," a blog for writers.
  
  Peggy writes on assignment for Guideposts and Sweet 16 magazines. A winner of the Guideposts Writing Contest in 2004, Peggy was one of 15 writers chosen from thousands of entrants to attend a professional week-long writer’s workshop. Her work has been published in Guideposts, Sweet 16, Positive Thinking, Angels on Earth, Teaching Tolerance, numerous Chicken Soup for the Soul books, Soul Matters, and many other publications.
  
  In addition to writing stories of her personal experiences, Peggy interviews interesting people and ghostwrites their stories for magazines. She especially enjoys talking to teens and helping tell their stories. She also writes fiction and nonfiction stories for reading comprehension tests for ETS, WestEd and Harcourt Publishing. Students have been reading her stories and articles in academic tests for the past 18 years.
  

  
  Submit your questions ASAP to Patricia by emailing her at patriciapunt[at]gmail [dot]com, and she will forward them to Peggy. Here's your chance to talk with a professional writer. Then, be sure to check out the Q&A session on "Dialogue" later this month.
  
  
• From Heidi Hess Saxton:
  
  Catholic Writers to Hold Online Conference
  
  

  Writers, editors, agents, and other publishing professionals from around the world are gearing up for the second annual Catholic Writers’ Conference Online, which will be held February 2-9, 2009. Sponsored by the Catholic Writer’s Guild and the Extraordinary Moms Network, the online conference is free of charge and open to writers of all levels who register by January 15.
  
  Last year’s conference drew over 300 participants and had more than 30 editors and writing professionals from all over the country presenting. Editors on this year’s faculty include Brian Saint-Paul (InsideCatholic.com), Ami McConnell (Thomas Nelson Publishers), Susan Brinkman (Canticle Magazine), diocesan newspaper editor Kyle Eller, and Sister Maria Grace (Pauline Books & Media). Carolyn Howard-Johnson, Lea Schizas, Mark Shea, Melanie Rigney, Michelle Buckman, and Tom Grace will also be presenting in their areas of expertise.
  
  Eric Sammons, who participated in last years’ conference, shared this success story:
  
  "Before the conference began, I had been working on a proposal for a manuscript I had recently completed. As a first-time author, I had a bit of trepidation about entering the whole process of submitting to publishers. When I saw that the Catholic Writer's Conference was having a pitch session with Pauline Books & Media, I decided to register for it, even though I wasn't quite ready yet. This gave me the incentive to get my proposal in a final form.
  
  During the pitch session, Pauline asked me to send my full proposal. They ended up passing on the project, but their desire to see my proposal gave me the impetus and confidence to continue to submit my proposal to publishers. After a few rejections, Our Sunday Visitor just this week offered me a contract!
  
  I appreciate the opportunity that the Catholic Writer's Conference gave me last year, and I wish it continued success in the future. I'll be sure to attend this year."
  
  
  Early registration is recommended. Although the conference is offered free of charge, donations are accepted; proceeds will go toward future conferences. To register or for more information, visit the conference website here.
  

  
  
  

Writing and Faith

My mom gave me a subscription to Living Faith as a gift. I always enjoy the daily Catholic devotions based on the day's readings, but some speak to me more than others.

Amy Welborn wrote a devotional back in August that really hit home with me as a writer and a woman trying to live the faith. May it encourage other wordsmiths out there as well.

"...I've learned some important lessons about faith from writing. Writing involves courage in sharing from deep within, without any certainty that it will do a bit of good. It involves a lot of waiting without a concrete reason to hope.

It strikes me that being a disciple of Jesus is also about stepping forward and waiting - every day. Holding on tight to the promise that its fulfillment - and our joy - will surely come."

Creative Writing Exercises

As promised, I've included some of my favorite writing exercises for kids in this post. (They're sure to get adult writers thinking, too.)

It goes without saying that there's an infinite number of ways to get scribes-in-the-making writing. These are just a handful of ideas to provide your child “seeds” that might just blossom into stories, poems, or plays.

•Write a poem that is simply a list of things. Ideas: List the contents in your desk drawer, the items in your refrigerator at home, what you would pack if you were traveling to Africa or some other far off place, or list everything you can think of that is yellow or some other color.

•Create a poem or story that’s a metaphor by completing the following phrase: “I am a___________” with an object like a flower, a type of animal, a dream, etc.

•Write about building or taking something apart. The object you build or take apart may be small, like a knitted scarf or a model plane, or it may be huge like a sprawling garden or a skyscraper.

•Transform an idea to an image. Mom (or Dad) ask your child to close her eyes and to picture what she sees when you say a word. Then say something aloud such as love, death, soul, night (any word will do). Ask your child to write about what she “saw” when you said this word.

•Write a story or a poem using a photograph or a picture from a magazine/newspaper. (We did this exercise in the camp I taught, and it produced some great tales about everything from talking the majestic Sea Star taking a family on an ocean journey to the adventures of a super gnome.)

•Write a story about someone of the opposite sex. Questions to get you started: If you were a girl/boy, what would be your favorite things to do? What are your talents? What do you look like? Or, make a list of boy/men or girls/women you know and write adjectives next to each name. Look at how different even people of the same sex can be.

•Write an autobiography. What interesting facts would you include? Alternatively, choose a favorite historical figure and write his or her biography after doing some research.

•Think about what you wish for when you toss a penny into a fountain or blow out candles on a birthday cake. Now write a story about this wish – no matter how fanciful it might be – coming true.

*The first four ideas are adapted from The Practice of Poetry: Writing Exercises From Poets Who Teach by Robin Behn

Online Resources:

This is just a small sampling of what’s available on the Web. All you have to do is Google “kids’ writing” or “kids + creativity” and you’ll get a slew of sites that help to inspire creativity (not only in the written medium but beyond) for your budding artistes.

•Headline Maker: This site generates a wacky headline to get kids started writing a fictional news story. The main site also has other helpful links for sparking creativity in children.

•Poetry Wheel: In the most recent issue of Family Fun magazine, Jack Prelutsky, an award-winning children’s poet, shared tips on nurturing creativity in children. This is a link to his poetry wheel, which you can make at home and use to generate ideas for poems.

•Kids on the Net: This site serves as a “clearinghouse” of sorts for kids who want to write.

•Funds for Writers: This is a top site for freelance writers or anyone who wants to write and it offers several wonderful free e-newsletters, including one tailored for kids (elementary through college). It includes writing contests for kids as well as markets that accept kid-authored work.

How to Raise a Writer

I was privileged to teach a mini creative writing camp to children this past week. The budding Hemingways inspired me with their stories of twin sisters releasing coconut candles into the sea mist and man-eating blueberry muffins. These kids are brimming with creativity and I don't want that to change, so I gave the parents a handout with tips on how to hatch a writer.

I thought other parents of scribes (as well as parents who write themselves) might enjoy these tips. Look for a post on creative writing exercises and online resources in the near future.

Happy writing!

• Encourage your child to write. This sounds like a no-brainer, but sometimes we may think we are encouraging our child when we’re doing just the opposite. Let’s say your child reads you a story that really doesn’t make logical sense. Or maybe your child always writes about a magical world and nothing else. It would be easy and tempting to point out that this or that doesn’t make sense or to ask your child to write about something different for a change. You might feel your words are innocuous, but if you keep pointing to things that are illogical or push your child to write about topics she’s not interested in, it could all backfire.

Kids are sensitive muses (oftentimes so are adults) and we have to be careful when looking at their works in progress. As I explained here, try not to get too focused on grammar, structure, etc. There is a time and place for editing, practicing spelling, developing cohesive and coherent thoughts, but not during a creative writing exercise. Consider having a creative writing time when he or she can write about anything and doesn’t have to worry about the way things are spelled. Then you can concentrate on composition, the art of constructing a paragraph, grammar, syntax, etc. during a different writing session. Your ultimate goal is to raise a child who loves to write because the more he writes, the better he will get at it, and writing well will help him in all facets of life.

• Your child is creative. Not all children are destined to be Shakespeares or Flannery O’Connors, but all children are creative – even the ones who seem to think in concrete terms at an early age.

While some seem to drift through life with their heads in the clouds where there’s no dearth of dreamy ideas, you might have to point your more “grounded” children in the direction of heaven. Okay, before you think I’ve really gone off my rocker, consider this: Barbara Ueland, a writer, writing teacher and the author of If You Want to Write, suggests that the creative power (or the creative impulse to be creative) that we all possess is actually the Holy Spirit.

The brilliant poet and artist William Blake said, “Imagination is the Divine Body in every man.” Of course, just as we sometimes begin to see the world through a secular lens and neglect the supernatural (AKA divine) forces in our life, Ueland says our creativity is “inhibited and dried up by many things – by criticism, self-doubt, duty, nervous fear which expresses itself in merely external action like running up and downstairs and scratching items off lists and thinking you are being efficient; by anxiety about making a living, by fear of not excelling.”

This brings us back to the first tip again: Try not to be so focused on what your child writes that you gloss over the fact that she is writing and trying to listen to her inner muse. Otherwise, she may start to think of writing as a chore instead of a means of listening to the Holy Spirit and a way of expressing her “creative power.” (One exercise that’s helpful is to have children write their own prayer to God. I still do this sometimes and occasionally, I’ll go back and read something I wrote and I’ll think, “Whoa! That was the Holy Spirit talking, not me!”)

• Use a timer with reluctant writers. If your child seems reluctant to write, tell him you’re going to set a timer for five minutes (or whatever time you deem appropriate given her inclination to write, attention span, etc.) and have him free write. This means your child should write whatever is on her mind. There are no rules other than the fact that she must write until the timer buzzes. She can make a list. She can describe the way the pencil feels in her hand or the weather outside. She can write a poem or a song or write a prayer to God like I mentioned above. What she writes isn’t nearly as important as the fact that she’s writing (again, what I said above). The more your child uses his creative power (by writing what’s on his heart and mind instead of constantly completing formal writing assignments), the more he’ll have.

Writing will also get easier. Think of creativity in terms of an athlete. An athlete has to train and warm up his or her muscles to play at the top of his or her game. Likewise, writing exercises like free writing will help your child strengthen his creative “muscles.” Of course, even the greatest athletes play a bad game every once in awhile. Writer’s block is sometimes inevitable, but your child can work through it by free writing or perhaps clustering.

If you're not familiar with clustering, here's how it works: In the middle of a blank piece of paper, write down your starting concept (any word your child wants) and circle it. Now, draw several radiating lines from that center, and put concepts relating to your starting concepts. Circle each of those. From those circles, radiate even farther out and put more relating concepts. The "cluster" of connected ideas starting from a central concept is your finished product. Kids can use these ideas as springboard for a story or a poem (or even a play). You can also cluster an individual character in your novel to learn more about her or even a setting or theme you want to explore.

A mini cassette tape recorder also comes in handy for writers. I use one during interviews and then often transcribe my notes. However, I also find it’s useful when I have an idea pop into my head that I don’t really have time to develop on paper or at the computer. I’ll “say” an idea into my recorder. This is particularly helpful for children who are still struggling with their penmanship. Maybe they write slowly and this frustrates them. Encourage them to “tell” their story first into a tape recorder and then to write it down after they have their thoughts organized. Similarly, a child who writes something but later has trouble ciphering her scribble might benefit from writing their story and then immediately reading it out loud into a tape recorder when the story is still fresh on her mind. Then she can re-write it perhaps more neatly later. Here’s a tape recorder that’s under $20 at Amazon:

• Read great works. By exposing your children to great literary works, you’re not only showing them what it means to tell a timeless story, but you’re allowing them to see beauty. This will not only help them to be better writers, but better human beings as well. Laura Berquist, an expert on classical education, says, “If children love the beautiful, they will love truth, as truth, when they are older.”

As Dostoyevsky once said, “Beauty will save the world.”

• Give them a space to write. Writing can take place anywhere. I encourage kids to carry notebooks to jot down ideas because you never know when inspiration might strike. That said, it’s also helpful to have a space for your aspiring writer that is his own – a place that’s off-limits to younger siblings and even to you. Maybe it’s her grandfather’s desk that’s in her bedroom. Or perhaps it’s outside sitting by a creek (as a child this was my favorite place to write). Ask your child where he or she feels the most inspired and allow him or her to write there in private.

Art Credit: DiscoverySchool.com